


Rainy days

by EllaMelody



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, M/M, Not AU, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Romance, sex scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 14:15:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 39,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11784867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllaMelody/pseuds/EllaMelody
Summary: Kris begins to realize he has strange feelings for Kai, but does Kai feel the same? Kris wishes he could read the boy's mind. A kiss makes Kris even more confused. Still he can't help coming back as he keeps falling and falling for the pretty dancer.





	Rainy days

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first story I ever decided to write down, and so it has a bunch of flaws, but I wrote it just for fun so it's okay. It was a couple of years ago, but I put it up in case someone might enjoy it. Kairis is just too cute of a ship name for there not to be more stories about them.
> 
> Oh, and I know it should have chapters but I wrote it so long ago that I can't be bothered to add any. So I'll just post it as one huge chapter. Sorry :P
> 
> Oh, also the intro is very cheesy. xD

The rain was pouring down, hitting the street with full force. It drowned out all other sounds, leaving nothing but a never-ending rhythm of splattering water. Time might as well have stood still, except time never stops moving. It moves along way too quickly, and once you’ve made up your mind there’s no going back. There’s only forward. Time won’t stop no matter how much you want it to, and right now he really wanted it to. If he could just stay there forever locked in time; never moving, never leaving, never moving on. But even though rain is something ancient, eternal, something of all ages and places, stable and constant, it is also the symbol for change. Rain means to be washed clean, a new beginning. Rain means moving on. And that is what he had decided to do. Moving on was what he had to do. As the rain poured down his face, he knew it was all over. It was too late to turn back now. He had left it all behind, burnt all his bridges, and now all he could do was to move forward. He took one last look at the house, sighed, and turned to leave. But as he turned around he saw something in the distance. Someone was standing on the other side of the street, silently staring at him. The rain was pouring down all around them, but the person didn’t seem to care. His face was instantly familiar, but the tears falling down his cheeks were something new and something so heartbreakingly beautiful, moving on seemed impossible. For a second it really did seem like time had stopped. Then the person spoke: “Hyung!”

\---

Dance practice was running late as usual. Suho kept giving them encouraging comments, trying to cheer them on, but they all knew he was just as tired as they were. Sometimes his cheerful attitude really bothered Kris. Why couldn’t he just get angry and annoyed for once? Kris knew he was part of the reason they were running late. Dancing had never been his thing, and no matter how hard he tried, learning choreography was always a slow process. Thankfully he wasn’t the only one with a problem. Next to him Chen was struggling just as much as he was.   
“Sorry”, he said after turning the wrong way and accidentally bumping into Lay for the umpteenth time.   
“It’s okay”, said Lay calmly, but Kris could see that even his patience was beginning to run thin.   
“Come on everybody! We can do it! Fighting!” shouted Suho in a tone that was supposed to be inspiring. Frankly it was pissing Kris off.   
“Maybe we should just call it a day. The kids are getting tired”, he said, trying to sound composed.   
“No! No quitting until we get this part right!” said Suho resolutely.   
“Oh come on!” said Kris, and this time he couldn’t quite hide the irritation in his voice. “Everyone is tired! We’re not at our best! Let’s just rest up and try again when we’re at our full potential”.   
“No”, said Suho, getting stubborn now. “The show is in less than two weeks. We have to get it right by tomorrow so we can begin practicing the next part. There’s no time for rest!”.   
“No time?!” shouted Kris. Now he was getting angry for real. “But apparently we have plenty of time to waste on messing about in the practice room. People are too tired, Suho! Just let them go home! We’re not getting anything done at this point anyway! At least if we all go home we will have more energy to try again tomorrow.”  
The other members were following their conversation like a tennis match. Several of them were nodding along with Kris, which made him feel slightly better. At least he wasn’t the only sane person in the room.   
“Kris-hyung is right!” said Sehun determinedly. “People are too tired. They’re not learning.”  
“Yeah, we should just call it a day!” said Chen sounding relieved. “I doubt I’ll get it no matter how many times I try it tonight.”  
“Yeah, and why should all of us have to stay late just because a few people can’t keep track of their feet?” said Kai and smirked at Chen.   
“Because we’re a team, that’s why!” said Suho angrily. “But you do have a point Kai. Perhaps only a few of us need extra training. It’s good that you feel confident dancing these new moves. Then you will be even better at teaching them to us tomorrow morning, before regular practice!”  
“What?!” said Kai, and now his smirk had vanished. “I have to come here extra early?!”  
“Of course!” said Suho confidently. “How else are the rest of us going to learn to keep track of our feet? We need a teacher! And you need to learn about team spirit!”  
“Oh, crap!” said Kai, knowing he had no choice but to obey his hyung.  
“Okay, you heard Suho!” shouted Kris. “Off to the showers with you all! Then straight to bed! No excuses for being tired tomorrow, now that you get some extra time to sleep! And the people that need that extra training tomorrow morning, you know who you are, be there on time! We’re on a tight schedule already! No tardiness will be tolerated!”  
“Yes, boss!” shouted Chanyeol and did a military salute. Everyone laughed, now relieved to be going home, and the tension in the room vanished. Even Suho seemed relieved now that he had been voted down by the rest of the members. Just like Kris had suspected, he was just as tired as the rest of them.

\---

The following morning Kris woke up early, and was the first person to shower and leave for the practice room. Or so he thought. Once he got there he realized Kai was already dancing around the room. Kris got stuck in the door, just watching Kai’s movements. Everything looked so easy when Kai did it, like his body had a natural flow that the others just didn’t have. His limbs seemed to be bending and stretching in waves, and only his focused eyes betrayed that there was any plan or thought behind the motion. His concentration was enormous, yet the effect was so simple and elegant that it was hard to imagine his body doing anything else. Actually it wasn’t that hard. Some things were very easy to imagine his body doing. Kris had to stop himself there. What the hell was he thinking? Kai was a dude. A very cute and pretty dude, but a dude nonetheless. But there had always been something feminine about Kai, something tender and vulnerable, gracious and beautiful. Especially when he was dancing. That slim, muscular body moving in time with the beat, those full lips puckering as he focused on the next move. Kai looked too good for comfort when he was dancing. He had to be stopped. “Hhrrmm”, Kris cleared his throat, and Kai immediately spun around and stopped dancing.  
“Hyung, good morning!” he said cheerfully. Dancing always seemed to make him happy, and apparently that was true even this early in the morning. “Ready to learn some new moves?”  
“As ready as I’ll ever be I guess”, said Kris a little bitterly.  
Kai just smiled and came up to stand next to him. “Should we wait for the others?”  
“Nah, let’s just get started!” said Kris. “The faster I learn this dance, the faster I can go home and do something more sensible with my time.”  
“Alright! Let’s start at the beginning then”.   
They practiced for quite some time before the others showed up. The second Kai started dancing again, the smile disappeared and he was all focus. Kris had always admired Kai’s dedication and professionalism. He always took his trade seriously, working hard to better himself. For Kai dancing was no laughing matter, it was important. Dancing was life.

And right now Kai was dancing with Kris, helping him and guiding his movements. Sometimes he would stop him and demonstrate a movement. Other times he would stretch out his hands and correct Kris’ posture, using careful nudges. Other people in that situation might have excused themselves at touching a hyung’s body, but Kai never seem to care about things like that. It was his job to teach, whether the student was older or younger, and he took his mission seriously. He was a harsh teacher, and soon Kris was sweating worse than he’d done in weeks. But this was good, much better. Kai was forcing him to focus so hard on his own dancing that he had no time to be distracted by Kai’s. And he was improving. Kai was a good teacher and soon he was dancing the steps in the correct order. The movements were beginning to look decent. That’s when Chanyeol and Chen showed up.  
“Ah! Look at them hard at work”, said Chanyeol dreamily. “Almost makes me feel bad that I wasn’t here earlier to dance with them. Almost.”  
Chen laughed. “Yeah, though watching others work is also nice.”  
“You’re not supposed to watch! You’re supposed to practice!” said Kris sternly. “So get your cute butts over here and start dancing.”  
“Oh cute butts!” said Chen happily. “Did you hear that Chanyeol? We’ve got cute butts!”  
“Well, mine’s a lot cuter than yours!” said Chanyeol teasingly.  
“It so isn’t!” said Chen. “My butt is super cute. People love my butt!”  
“Oh yeah? People write poems about my butt.”  
“People write love songs about mine!”  
“They dedicate blogs to mine!”  
“They name streets after mine!”  
“They name babies after mine!”  
“Okay, okay, that’s enough!” said Kris sternly, even though his smile was telling a different story. Those dongsaengs always knew how to make him laugh.  
“Kris-hyung, which butt do you like best? Mine or Chanyeol’s?” said Chen in an innocent tone. “Or maybe you like Kai’s butt the most?” he added in a teasing voice and winked.  
Kris could feel his face grow redder. Why would that stupid kid ask such a question? He was burning up now, and he knew there was no way they would let that go.   
“Oh wow, look at those red cheeks”, said Chen laughing. “Kai, you better watch out! I think hyung might like your butt a little too much!”  
Kai looked up at Kris with such an innocent face that Kris’s heart skipped a beat. Why did he always have to do that? Kai was young, but could he really be this innocent? Sometimes Kris imagined that Kai had a secret inner personality that he hid from the world. On the inside, was he laughing at his hyungs and their silly ways? Right now, was he laughing at Kris? Kris and his embarrassing interest in pretty behinds. It was hard to imagine he wasn’t laughing, especially when everyone else was. Chen was giggling so much that he had to support himself against the wall of the practice room.  
“Hyung! What’s with that face?”, he squealed in-between breaths.  “Why do you look so guilty?”  
“Yeah, don’t make it too easy for us”, laughed Chanyeol. “Seeing that face I almost feel bad.”  
“Almost!” said Chen and burst out laughing again.  
Kris’s face was hotter than summer. You could probably fry eggs on his cheeks, that’s how hot it was. Man, he really needed to make this stop. Still he couldn’t help peeking over at Kai again. Surely by now he must have figured it out. But Kai was looking at him with the same innocent expression as always. He smiled vaguely at his hyungs like he was happy that they were happy, but not really sure if he should be happy too. Why did he have to play the fool? Kris almost wanted to explain to him what was going on, just so that he would be forced to give a reaction. Kai couldn’t really be this innocent. He just couldn’t. Could he?  
Luckily, before Kris could think any further, Suho appeared. “What are you guys doing? Why aren’t you practicing?” he said looking from Chanyeol and Chen in a heap on the floor laughing, to Kris and Kai carefully glancing at each other. “Didn’t I make it clear to everyone yesterday? We need to learn this dance! Now! It’s very important.”  
“Yeah, yeah, very important, we know”, said Chen and sighed, while standing up and brushing off his pants.   
“So important that he decided to sleep in and be late for practice”, whispered Chanyeol with a grin.  
Suho glanced around with a guilty expression and laughed nervously. “Okay, fair point. Let’s just start dancing. Kai start us off.”

The rest of the practice went fine and everyone soon forgot about the whole butt-incident. By lunchtime, the rest of the members had showed up and everyone was working hard at learning the next part of the show. Things were going better today. The extra rest had really helped and the members were good at supporting and helping each other get the steps right. As they sat down to eat lunch, everyone was cheerfully talking with one another and the mood was overall very nice. Xiumin had gotten some dried fruit from his Chinese fans, and now he was sending the bowl around sharing it with all the members. Kris took some fruit and passed the bowl along. As he was chewing on a large piece of dried apple, Baekhyun leaned over and whispered in his ear:   
“He’s cute when he’s smiling that brightly isn’t he?” He tilted his head towards Kai, who was laughing happily over Luhan trying to steal his fruit.   
Kris looked at Kai and then at Baekhyun. Baekhyun gave him a knowing look and for a second Kris thought that Baekhyun had read his mind. Had it been that obvious? Had he been staring? But then Baekhyun smiled casually and added: “You shouldn’t tell him I said that. He might try and use his cuteness to extort me for money or something.” He smiled cheerfully and moved on to talk to Chanyeol. Kris breathed out. So Baekhyun hadn’t noticed. Good! Honestly, what had he been thinking? Had it gotten that bad? Was Kris now someone who stared at dongsaengs eating? Dancing was one thing; Kai was an amazing dancer, but eating fruit? There was no excuse for that. He’d have to get a hold of himself. This was becoming embarrassing. And he didn’t want a repeat of this morning. People might misunderstand. Kai might misunderstand. It had to stop.

As they returned to the dorm that evening Kris was pleased. He had learnt all the dance moves and everything had been running smoothly. Having immersed himself in his work, there had been no room for thoughts to start wandering. Everything had been working the way it was supposed to. Now he would shower and then maybe watch some TV before bed.   
“Hyung!”  
Kris turned around to see Kai staring at him with big innocent eyes. Jesus Christ, why?! Things had been going so well…  
“What?” Kris answered, a little too aggressively. Kai didn’t even flinch.   
“Hyung, did you have that last SNSD concert on your laptop? Suho-hyung wanted to know. He was going to watch it before meeting Sunny tomorrow.”  
“Oh right, he’s doing that radio show with her right?”  
“Yeah, do you have it?”  
“Yes, I think so. Hang on, I’ll get my laptop.” This was good. Just talking. Everyday talking, nothing special.   
“Wah! Hyung! Your room is so neat!” Apparently Kai had followed him into his room.  
“Um, yeah, Xiumin cleans a lot”, said Kris a bit awkwardly. It was true; sharing room with Xiumin had its perks.  
Kai kept looking around the room in curiosity. Apparently he had never been in there long enough to have a proper look before. Guess there had never really been a reason for him to be there for long. And there wasn’t any good reason now either.   
“Come on, here’s my laptop, let’s get out of here!” said Kris moving towards the door.   
“Oh come on, let me at least look around a bit!” said Kai cheerfully. “Wow, is this your family?” he added, picking up a framed picture that Kris had standing on his bedside table. “Your mom is so cute!”  
“Give me that!” said Kris forcefully, snatching the picture from Kai’s hand.   
“I’m sorry”, said Kai carefully. He looked surprised and almost hurt. For some reason that made Kris feel a little bit better. At least that was some kind of reaction. Although, seeing those eyes…  
“No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so angry”, he said regretfully.   
“That’s okay hyung!” said Kai smiling again. That bastard, as if nothing had happened. Why did he always have to brush things off so easily? Without thinking, Kris reached out and grabbed Kai’s arm. Kai froze. As Kris leaned down over Kai, getting closer and closer to his face, Kai never flinched. He just looked at Kris with big eyes, as if curious to see what would happen next. As if he would trust Kris in any situation, trust him with his life. Why did he have to be so trusting? Kris felt how his grip tightened. He squeezed Kai’s arm harder and harder, but Kai didn’t react at all. He just kept staring with those big eyes.  
When Kris was inches away from Kai’s face he finally got a hold of himself and let go. He picked up the laptop from the bed and started moving towards the door. Kai didn’t say a word, he just followed. Kris was cursing under his breath but Kai didn’t seem to notice. He just walked after his hyung out through the door into Suho’s room.   
“Here! You wanted to watch the concert right?” said Kris with a cold voice and shoved the laptop into Suho’s arms so fast that Suho almost dropped it. Kris looked up and saw Suho’s surprised expression, but he didn’t care. He just had to get out. As he left, Kai stayed behind and he could hear Suho asking him what was going on, and Kai’s calm response: “I don’t know”.

\---

Practice the next day was uneventful. Kai didn’t seem any different at all. Kris was trying to forget what had happened and just get on with his life. The show was coming up, and it would be a great opportunity to make new fans in Korea. Having worked in China for so long, Kris knew he needed to establish himself on the Korean music scene. This show could mean a lot for his future career. With that in mind he worked harder than ever, focusing every second on his body movements and the beat of the music. It was difficult but satisfying once the steps started sticking and the muscles remembered what came next.   
In the end Kris left the practice room with a smile on his face. Things had gone well. He talked to Xiumin on his way out and laughed at Baekhyun’s silly jokes. Suho had left early for the radio show, and Kris was left in charge, but he didn’t mind. The kids were full of laughs, and after a day as productive as this one, they had every right to enjoy themselves.   
“Let’s go to a karaoke club!” said Chen excitedly.   
“Again?” said Lay. “We went only last week.”  
“You can never have too much kara-oke”, said Chen with an exaggerated pronunciation and winked.   
“No, let’s go eat something, I’m starving”, said Kai.   
“You’re always starving”, said Baekhyun and laughed.   
“What?! I’m still growing!” said Kai and smiled. “You want me to keep growing don’t you?”  
“Of course I do”, said Baekhyun seriously. “I want you to grow into a big healthy boy.”  
Kai laughed, and so did the rest of them.   
“What I mean is, I need food!” Kai added. “I’m thinking…pizza. Who wants to come?” He looked around expectantly.   
“Sorry kid, but we’ve got plans”, said Baekhyun and smiled.   
“Yeah, Baekhyun, Sehun and I have an important meeting”, said Chanyeol and smiled meaningfully.   
“Oh, no, what are you up to this time?” said Xiumin with a worried voice, though his smiling eyes were betraying him.   
“Oh, it will be grand”, said Chanyeol with an epic voice. “Stories will be told.”  
“Songs written”, added Baekhyun.  
“Dances danced”, said Sehun and laughed.   
“Yah! Now you ruined the feel completely”, said Chanyeol and sighed.   
“Honestly, why do we even bring this kid along”, said Baekhyun and rolled his eyes. Then he laughed while grabbing Sehun’s shoulders, and started shaking him teasingly. Sehun laughed and pulled free while trying to grab Baekhyun in return. The grappling match continued until Kris broke it apart.   
“Okay, okay, that’s enough. Calm down you two. No need to risk getting an injury this close to the show”, said Kris calmly, but his face was still full of smiles.  
Kai seemed to have almost given up his hopes of food.   
“So, no one wants to go have pizza with me then?” he said a little disappointed. He looked around imploringly, but everyone seemed to have other plans. Most of the members tried to avoid his gaze. Some mumbled excuses and darted off. Kris knew why. Kai often tried to get people to go eat with him, and being one of the younger members that meant the others would feel obligated to pay for him. Kai wasn’t looking for company; he was looking for a free meal.  
As members started dropping off, Kai got more and more desperate trying to convince the others.   
“Having a steady meal after exercising is important. It builds muscles. Hyung, you want to have a good body don’t you?”  
“I don’t think pizza is the best way to get a good-looking body”, said D.O. and smiled. “Sorry.”  
Kai looked sad, like his last hope of a free meal was gone. Then suddenly he looked up with wide eyes, as if an idea had struck him. He turned to Kris:   
“Hyung! You need to eat now don’t you?” he said eagerly. “You practiced so hard today. I saw you fighting with the steps. And you didn’t get a chance to eat a proper lunch.”  
Kai was right. Kris had been forced to abandon his lunch early, to take a call from his mother in Canada. The times they had to call each other on the phone were few and far between, so leaving lunch early was an easy choice. Talking to his mother was the most precious time he had, and no lunch could be more important. But that did mean that he hadn’t eaten a proper meal all day. Now that Kai reminded him of this, his stomach made a deep rumbling noise as if to show him that it too agreed with Kai. And it seemed like his stomach would get its way. Kai smiled broadly as if the rumbling was enough of an answer, and Kris sighed. He knew that he was trapped.   
“Alright”, he said reluctantly. “Where do you want to go?”  
Kai entire face lit up with excitement. “There’s this great place a few blocks from here”, he said beaming. “I’ll show you. Follow me.”  
Kris sighed deeply and followed Kai out the door.

They ended up in a restaurant on the other side of town. Keeping anonymity was difficult sometimes and the place Kai had mentioned was way too crowded to be safe. After driving around in the car for a long time they eventually found a place that looked less busy. It was pretty run down, and the owner looked almost surprised when they asked for a booth in the back. Maybe he wasn’t used to people requesting specific tables. That would explain why the sofas in the back looked so much cleaner compared to the tables they had walked past by the entrance. Kris guessed that there were rarely enough guests to fill up all tables in both the front and back of the restaurant. He hoped that the pizza would at least be edible, and not give them food poisoning. After all, this place didn’t look very promising.  
“I like it!” said Kai with a smile. He looked around approvingly. “It’s cosy!”  
“It’s a dump!” said Kris blankly. This kid, was he an idiot?  
“It’s not a dump!” said Kai and looked offended. Why? It wasn’t his restaurant or anything?  
“Let’s just order, eat and get out of here”, said Kris and picked up a menu.  
Kai looked at him a bit irritably but didn’t say anything. Kris ordered for the both of them, and they ate in silence. When they had finished, Kris pick out his wallet and paid, and Kai didn’t seem surprised by this at all. Figures! So he really was just after a free meal. Somehow that bothered Kris. He couldn’t really figure out why though. Instead he stood up to leave.   
“Hyung”. Kai had grabbed him by the arm and was pulling him back into his seat. “Let me buy you dessert. Since you paid for the pizza it’s only fair right?” Kris looked back at Kai’s face, and that cute smile hit him like a ton of bricks. Kai had turned his head slightly to the side and was gazing at him with those big eyes through thick, long lashes. It was too much for anyone to bear. He sat down.   
“Let’s order ice-cream” said Kai softly. Kris just nodded; he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Kai was still holding on to his arm, as if he was afraid Kris would change his mind and run away the second he let go.   
“How about vanilla? Or maybe chocolate? Strawberry?” Kai was looking for a reaction now, but Kris couldn’t give one. All he could focus on was that hand on his arm. Stupid. Why did it affect him this much? Kai had been touching him all over just a day ago. But that had been for dance practice. It was different. It was a job to do. This was something else.  
Kai ordered the ice-cream and it arrived at the table; a big bowl with many flavors, whipped cream and a cherry on top. Guess they were sharing then.  
Kai gazed excitedly at the ice-cream with the look of a child on Christmas morning. He finally let go of Kris’ arm, as he reached out to grab one of the spoons on the table. He handed Kris the other spoon and started digging into the giant ice-cream, gulping it down with a speed that could only be described as supersonic. And no surprise:   
“Ya! Brainfreeze!” Kai shut his eyes and pressed his hand against his temple.   
“You shouldn’t eat so fast!” said Kris smiling. Finally he could speak again.   
“I know, hyung”, said Kai and smiled sheepishly. “It was just so good.”  
“You know what they say, too much of a good thing”, said Kris teasingly.   
“Hyung, there is no such thing!” said Kai and looked with wide eyes at Kris.  
It was too much, Kris had to laugh. He was just so adorable, sitting there with his giant ice-cream and such a fierce look in his eyes. Kris kept laughing, and felt how the tension left his body and mind. What had he been stressing about? It was just Kai. Cute, innocent, silly Kai. Lovely, wonderful Kai. As he laughed that warm, happy feeling was filling him up, more and more. He couldn’t help himself. He leant forward and kissed Kai. For a second, time stopped.  
Then he realized what was happening, and pulled away. Kai just sat there looking at him in calm wonder. He didn’t seem angry. But he didn’t seem like much of anything else either. In fact, it was impossible to read what he was feeling. Was he upset? Happy? Scared? Amused? Kris stared at his face apprehensively, waiting for a reaction, but he didn’t get one. Kai just stared back in silence. The time kept passing, but still no reaction. Finally the tension was too much for Kris to bear. He stood up and left. Kai didn’t stop him this time. Instead he let Kris walk out the door and get into the car. It was only when Kris got to the dorm that he realized he had left Kai at the restaurant without a ride home.

\---

Waking up the next morning Kris didn’t want to get out of bed. Ever. After alerting one of the managers that Kai was stranded in a restaurant on the other side of town, he had gone to bed without another word to anyone. He had distant memories of people trying to talk to him. Someone might even have been angry. Or had that been this morning? Did someone come into his room to wake him up? His mind was spinning. He had had awful dreams all night, nightmares of the most vicious kind, and now he was exhausted. Maybe more than that. He felt hot all over. As Kris was still orienting himself someone carefully knocked on the door to his room. The door creaked open and Suho cautiously looked inside.  
“Hyung, are you awake?” he whispered. Kris pondered if he should play dead so he’d be left alone. But he did really have to pee…  
“Yeah”, he groaned and slowly tried to sit up. But with his head still spinning like a crazy rollercoaster he fell back into bed and groaned again.   
“Hyung, be careful”, said Suho worriedly and came to sit on the side of his bed. “Hyung, you don’t look so good. I think you have a fever”, he continued while feeling Kris’s forehead with the palm of his hand. “You’re really warm. Maybe you should take today off.”  
This should be making Kris happy, but instead he felt even more uneasy. What about the show?! He tried to sit up again, but Suho pushed him back into bed.   
“Hyung, don’t push yourself. If you exhaust yourself now, you will never recover before the show. Don’t worry; we’ll help you catch up later. Just rest and get better, okay?”  
There wasn’t much Kris could do to argue. He couldn’t even sit up in bed. How would he be able to dance all day? Suho was right; it was better to rest and get well fast.   
“We’ll be leaving now”, Suho continued and looked at him with his most caring face. This was the stuff Suho was best at as leader, Kris thought. He would always put the members’ health first and look out for them. He was a good guy after all and a good leader too. Unlike what Kris had been yesterday…   
Suho must have seen Kris’s worried face because his voice got even more concerned as he repeated: “Just rest today okay? I’ll send someone over later to check on you and get you some food. Don’t worry, and just rest.”  
With those words Suho left Kris alone and the entire dorm soon got very, very quiet. Kris closed his eyes and tried to think of anything other than Kai’s face.

He woke up again to the feel of someone wiping his forehead with a damp towel. Squinting he saw two big eyes staring back.   
“Kai”, he croaked.  
“No, hyung, it’s me Chanyeol”, said a dark voice. “Are you thirsty, hyung?”  
He was, he really was. And he still needed to pee. Chanyeol helped him to the bathroom and back to bed. He gave him a glass of water and even cooked some food. It was hard to eat, but seeing his dongsaeng’s efforts Kris at least had to try. As Chanyeol was leaving he gave Kris a concerned glance:   
“Hyung, don’t worry. I’ll bring you back some ice-cream tonight okay?”  
Ice-cream. Kris never wanted to see any ice-cream again in his life. If it hadn’t been for that ice-cream…  
“No please, don’t trouble yourself”, he said, hoping that that would be enough to discourage Chanyeol. “Ice-cream has never really been my thing anyway.”  
Chanyeol smiled a little. “Too cool for ice-cream huh?” he said teasingly. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell the others.” And with those words he left the dorm.

Once again Kris woke up, this time to the faint sound of someone quietly singing. He felt a cool hand on his forehead. He recognized the voice.   
“D.O.”, he said smiling.   
“Hyung, you’re burning up”, said D.O. He put a bowl under Kris’s nose. “Here! I made you some congee.”  
“Thank you”, Kris whispered and pushed himself up into a sitting position. D.O. helped to prop him up against the wall and handed him a spoon. Kris began eating the congee, and like with most of D.O.’s cooking it tasted very good.   
“I’m sorry, I didn’t bring you any ice-cream”, D.O. said in full earnest. “Chanyeol told me you wanted some, but I didn’t have the time to go get any.”  
What had that idiot been telling them all? Had he told them that Kris had mistaken him for Kai as well?  
“Just finish eating, hyung, and then put the bowl on the nightstand. I’ll clean it up later”, D.O. continued. “I have to get back to the practice room.”  
Kris thanked him and when D.O. left and he heard the door close in the hallway, he started to feel lonely for the first time all day. He thought of all of the members practicing together in the dance studio; of them fighting hard side by side. Suddenly he felt so alone, like an outsider and not a leader at all. What would happen if he didn’t come back? Would they even miss him, or would they be fine without him? Maybe even better, now that he wasn’t there to screw up the choreography anymore. With those thoughts still circling his head, Kris finished the congee and went back to sleep.

_Dark clouds in the sky, filled with chocolate sauce, pouring down like waterfalls. Chanyeol, Chen and Baekhyun gliding down on giant wafers, screaming with laughter. Suho telling them all to practice harder. All the members dancing in front of mirrors. But their legs get stuck in knee-high melted ice-cream. Except for Kai, dancing gracefully on top of a giant meringue with a cherry hat on his head. The members are slipping and falling one by one, but Kai keeps dancing, happily yelling at them to join him. All the members turn to Kris. They’re angry. They’re injured. And it’s all his fault. Why didn’t he finish all the ice-cream before practice? Kai doesn’t notice. He just keeps laughing and dancing, cherry glistening on his head._

“Hyung! Hyung!” someone was shaking him. “Hyung, wake up!”  
Kris wondered where he was. His entire body was drenched in sweat. It felt like he’d been taking a bath in his bed. All the sheets was tangled up and wrapped around one of his legs. His throat was dry, his head was boiling and he felt like he couldn’t get any air to his lungs, even though he was breathing as heavily and fast as he could. Someone was sitting beside him still holding his upper arms in a firm grip.   
“Hyung, are you okay?” a voice said with real alarm. “Should I call the doctor?”  
“Air...” Kris managed to gasp. “Open a window.”  
The hands let go of his arms, and soon a soothing cool breeze was spreading through the room. He could feel the nice cold against his skin, and the air filling his lungs. So amazing! He just lay there for a second enjoying it all. Then the voice spoke again.  
“Hyung”, it said, with less alarm this time, but still with a definite note of concern.   
“I’m okay”, Kris answered and smiled. He was cooling down fast now.   
“I’m sorry for waking you up, but you were moving around so much, twisting and turning and moaning. I thought you might be having a seizure or something.”  
“Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you woke me up. You saved me from a horrible nightmare.” Kris opened his eyes and looked up at his rescuer. It was Kai. Of course it was.   
“Well, I’m glad I saved you then”, said Kai softly and smiled back at him.  
Kris didn’t know what to answer. Kai was standing there so relaxed, worried for his health yes, but still so relaxed. Nothing about Kai suggested that they had shared a kiss only the night before. Should he mention it? Would it get all weird if he did? Wouldn’t it be weirder if he didn’t?  
“Um, about last night…” Kris started.   
“Don’t worry about it”, said Kai genuinely. “Hyung was having a fever. And the manager came and picked me up so it all worked out.”  
Kris stared at Kai in disbelief. Was that it? He had kissed him and then left him alone in a rundown restaurant on the other side of town. Yet Kai wasn’t upset at all? Or angry? Or happy? Or sad? Or even surprised? Wasn’t feeling anything about it at all?  
“Let’s just forget it ever happened okay?” Kris said, expecting at least some kind of reaction.   
“Sure, hyung! It never happened!” Kai answered cheerfully, and Kris could feel his insides turn just a little bit at Kai’s nonchalance. For a second he wanted to do it again, to see if Kai would react this time. But before he had time to even finish that thought, Kai was pulling him up on his feet and steering him towards the bathroom.   
“We better get you cleaned up”, he said energetically. “Your pajamas are soaking. Don’t worry hyung, I’ll help you out.” He gave Kris a big smile.  
The idea of letting Kai bath him didn’t seem that appealing at the moment. But there wasn’t much Kris could do about it. Kai pushed him down into the bathtub and turned on the water tap. Then he checked the water carefully to make sure it wasn’t too hot or cold, and finally he started washing Kris’s hair. It felt nice, Kai’s fingers massaging his scalp and the warm water rinsing away that sweaty, sticky feeling. His pajamas got soaked though. Kai didn’t seem to care. The way he steered Kris this way and that, supporting his weight, and the firmness of his hands as they cleaned Kris, it was all very manly. Kris was reminded of the fact that Kai was indeed a man, and not just any man but one that millions of girls dreamt and fantasized about. Kris could see why. Being in Kai’s caring arms made Kris feel very safe. It was weird getting this kind of treatment from a dongsaeng, especially one as cute as Kai. But it was also very nice.   
When Kai had finished washing his hair and face he moved downward and started undressing Kris. He pulled the soaked t-shirt over Kris’s head and started rubbing his chest and back. Kris was too tired and shocked to protest. And why should he? They were both guys. It wasn’t really a big deal. Though somehow it felt like a big deal, maybe because of that whole kissing incident. Maybe Kai was right. Maybe it had all been because of the fever. After all, that was when it really started getting out of hand.  
Kai kept cleaning him, removing his pajama pants next. He was going to remove Kris’s underwear too, but at that Kris actually had to draw the line.   
“Certain parts of the body a man has to clean for himself”, he muttered, and Kai just smiled and let it go. Instead he started rubbing Kris’s feet and legs clean. He took great care in doing it too. Kris started feeling a bit self-conscious. He didn’t have the nicely toned dancer legs that Kai did. Somehow this made him nervous. As if Kai would be disappointed with him, or with his legs. As if Kai’s opinion of his legs mattered. This fever had to stop soon, because these weird reactions were driving him crazy.  
When Kai was all done he helped Kris out of the bathtub and back into the bedroom. He had brought a towel and as Kris sat down on the side of the bed, Kai helped him dry off. Then he went into the closet and brought out a new set of pajamas for Kris to wear. He even helped him dress, apart from the underwear, that Kris changed himself while Kai was busy hanging back the towel to dry. After this Kris was ready to lie back down and sleep, but Kai wouldn’t allow it. To Kris’s surprise, Kai helped him up again and led him into his own bedroom.   
“I can’t let you go back into that sweaty and messy bed”, he said calmly. “Hyung, borrow my bed. I can sleep on the couch.”  
For some reason, this almost made Kris cry. How was it that he had been so hard on Kai earlier? This dongsaeng obviously really cared about him. Now, how could he make it right?  
“I’m sorry!” he said, and he really meant it. “About yesterday, about everything, I’m sorry!”  
“Hyung, it’s okay”, said Kai calmly. “Just rest and get healthy fast okay?”  
“I guess you are going back to the practice room now?” said Kris, and as he said it he felt a pang of sadness. He would have loved to keep Kai here all to himself. He didn’t want to go back to being alone.   
“No, actually I don’t have to go back today at all”, said Kai cheerfully. “I had the steps memorized before lunch. I’ve just been staying behind to help the others out. But they have Sehun and Lay, so I’m sure they’ll be alright.”  
Kris felt so happy he could cry, again. Kai was going to stay with him. Or was he?  
“So are you going to go see some friends then? Now that you finally have some time off?” Kris said, trying to keep his tone as light and casual as he could.   
“Nah, Taemin’s in Japan. Plus hyung needs me. I think I’ll just stay here with you.”  
At that point Kris was sure he loved Kai. Loved him with all his heart. It was the fever talking of course. And the boredom and loneliness. But there was no denying this dongsaeng was making his heart melt.   
“So what should we do?” said Kris happily.   
“Hyung, you should try and sleep, and get some more rest. I’ll be fine on my own, so don’t worry, just try to sleep.”   
Damn this dongsaeng and his rational mind. Though some sleep actually didn’t sound so bad. Now that Kris knew he wouldn’t wake up alone, it actually sounded pretty good. All the excitement with the bath had made him tired, and being tucked into Kai’s clean and warm bed help him to relax. Kris closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt so calm lying here. He heard Kai turn off the light and leave the room. As he closed the door behind him, Kai whispered “Goodnight hyung”.  
Kris whispered “Goodnight” back, even though Kai had already left by then, and probably couldn’t even hear it. The pillow smelled like Kai. It smelled nice. Kris felt happy and at peace. He soon fell asleep.

When he woke up again it was dark and warm all around. He needed to pee. He sat up and realized his fever must have gone down; his head felt more stable and less heavy and spinning. He made his way to the bathroom all on his own this time. The dorm was dark and quiet. The members must still be practicing. He wondered where Kai had gone.  
On the way back from the bathroom he couldn’t help but go by the couch in the living room. There Kai was, sleeping so sweetly all curled up like a little child. Kris bent forward and carefully stroked Kai’s hair with his fingers. Kai moaned quietly but didn’t move. He looked so adorable, lying there and sleeping so peacefully. Kris sat down beside Kai on the couch. He looked down on Kai’s face, with its smooth skin, long, dark lashes and rosy cheeks. Kai was breathing heavily through his mouth, his lips slightly parted. Those curvy, pink lips. Kris could still remember how they had felt against his the night before, so soft and warm. He leaned closer, and now he could see them even better, every little wrinkle and crease, every shade of pink. They looked so tasty. But this time he was going to control himself. Still…  
“Hyung”, Kai whispered.  
Kris froze. How was he going to explain this?  
“Hyung, did you need help with something?” Kai murmured, apparently still half asleep.   
“No, I’m feeling better now”, said Kris carefully. “Just go back to sleep.”  
“Okay, hyung”, murmured Kai, as trusting as always. And then his breathing got heavy and deep again. Kris relaxed.   
He just sat there watching Kai sleep for a while. How could this dongsaeng be so good-looking? It wasn’t just the lashes and the soft lips; the entire shape of his face was extraordinary. Kris carefully ran his finger along Kai’s jaw line. It was so sharp and handsome. He let his finger continue down Kai’s neck, which was smooth and soft. How could so many contrasting features fit in one person? How could he be so cute and innocent, yet so sensual and manly?  
As Kris kept running his finger down Kai’s neck and collarbone, Kai let out a quiet moan. The sound made Kris’s entire body shiver. He froze for a second, not really knowing what to do. He couldn’t help himself; he had to continue. Kris ran his finger further down on to Kai’s chest. Through Kai’s thin t-shirt he could feel the hard shape of Kai’s body, all thin and muscular. It was the body of a dancer, and the body of a man, yet it felt so appealing somehow. Maybe it was jealous wonder over the kind of body that Kris would never be able to have or accomplish no matter how hard he tried, trained or dieted. Not that Kris’s body was bad in any way. He had often been told that he had a great body, and of course, wherever he went the girls would scream, so what did it matter? Yet there was something about Kai’s body that fascinated him.  
Suddenly Kai shifted over on his back and let out another small moan. Kris was more ready for it this time, but it still made his heart flutter for a moment. He knew he couldn’t stop now. He put his hand back on Kai’s chest and this time he used his entire palm to rub Kai in circles over his pecks and abs. Kai started shivering slightly and the sides of his mouth started to twitch, as if his muscles were tightening is tiny cramps. Kris could feel his own muscles tighten too, and his pajama pants were feeling tighter by the second. It was as if they were sharing the pleasure of his touch.  
He kept moving his hand and it came lower and lower down Kai’s stomach. Kai’s breathing was quicker now, quick and heavy. As Kris reached the bottom of Kai’s stomach he could see a bulge growing under Kai’s pants. The sight made Kris shiver all over. He wondered what would happen if he continued to move his hand further down. Would Kai wake up? Would he moan? Would he let Kris touch him? Inside Kris’s mind images were beginning to form. Glorious images of Kai sighing and moaning. Images of Kris pulling down Kai’s pants and underwear to discover what was hidden inside. Images of Kris rubbing Kai’s cock with his hand, grabbing it, stroking it, using it to drive Kai crazy. He wondered what Kai would look like when he came. It was difficult to imagine. Kai always looked so calm and at peace. What would he look like if he completely lost it? Would his eyes go wide? Would he gasp for air? Or scream and wail and moan? Kris was all lost in his own thoughts now, just sitting there staring at Kai’s crotch.   
Kai’s breathing was slowing down again, and he seemed to go back to a more normal sleeping rhythm. Kris was still having trouble letting go of the images that were spinning around his head. He guessed the fever had come back. Why else would he be obsessing so much over another dude’s crotch? Maybe he should just go back to bed and sleep it off. He was sure tomorrow would be different and that then he would be just fine. Still, he was obviously feeling better, and he couldn’t stand the idea of leaving Kai here, splayed out like this for the world to see. It didn’t seem decent somehow. He leaned down and carefully shook Kai’s shoulders.   
“Kai, wake up!” he whispered. Kai soon opened his eyes, and looked around in confusion and surprise.   
“What? Where? Who?” he murmured.   
“You were sleeping on the couch”, said Kris calmly. “But I’m feeling much better now, and you have a big day tomorrow with lots of important work. So you should go sleep in your bed.”  
“Oh. Okay”, said Kai, still a little unsure as to what was going on. He stood up, but wobbled dangerously on his feet, and so Kris grabbed him by the shoulders and steered him towards the bedroom. He pushed Kai into bed and tucked him in. Kai reached down under the cover, kicked off his pants and dropped them on the floor next to the bed. Such a messy boy. No wonder he thought Kris’s room looked so neat.  
Seeing Kai settled in bed, Kris turned to leave. But Kai caught him by the arm again.   
“Hyung, stay”, he said with such a sweet and tired voice that Kris had no other choice than to obey.  
Kris sat down on the side of the bed, but Kai kept pulling his arm, and soon Kris found himself lying in the bed, right next to Kai. Kai smiled and lay down with his head on Kris’s shoulder.   
“Hyung, you’re so tall”, he mused.   
“So are you” Kris answered but he couldn’t keep himself from smiling. To all Asians Kris was a giant.   
“Maybe if I eat lots of meat I will one day be as tall as hyung”, said Kai with a smile.   
“I’m sure you will”, Kris mused, and patted Kai on the head. Kai really could be adorable when he wanted to be. Having him this close felt so right, like Kris was the big strong hyung protecting his little cute dongsaeng. The cute dongsaeng with the cock he had just fantasized about. Still this was cozy. Kai’s body was so warm next to his and it smelled like… a man, what was he thinking? Why did this keep happening? He should go sleep somewhere else. He shouldn’t be here.  
Kai shifted his weight to lie more on his side and put a hand on Kris’s chest. He did it so naturally, as if it was the easiest thing in the world, them lying there so close together. Kris felt like his insides were vibrating, or maybe running in circles, around and around. It was making him warm and dizzy. The fever was definitely back now. And if he had to be feverish he might as well enjoy it?  
Kris reached out his arms and held Kai to his chest in a tight hug. Kai didn’t seem to mind; he just happily murmured “hyung”. Inside Kris the warm vibrations were multiplying. It felt like heated waves were passing through his body, spreading from a center somewhere around his stomach and out into his fingertips and head. If he could lie like this forever, wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t his life be complete and filled with only pure joy?  
Kai was falling asleep in Kris’s arms, his dark lashes casting shades over his smooth skin. He looked so innocent lying there. Kris squeezed him in his arms, holding him steady. Kai started giggling.  
“Hyung, are you trying to kill me?” he giggled and looked up at Kris with big, happy eyes. Laugh lines were forming in his cheeks and around his eyes. His entire face was glowing and his eyes twinkled. He had the most adorable smile.  
Kris smiled back, happy to the core of his being. This was how life was supposed to be. The happy warmth in the pit of his stomach was growing and growing. He didn’t know how to contain all this happiness. It was too much to bear. He squeezed Kai even tighter. Kai’s giggles grew into a laughter.   
“Hyung!” he squealed. “Hyung, you’re crushing me!”  
But Kris couldn’t help it. He had to do something. He laughed and laughed. Then he rolled around with Kai still in his arms. Kai was getting crushed under his weight, so he had to let go a little and support himself on his elbows and lower arms. Kai was now pinned under Kris between Kris’s arms and legs, and their faces were inches away from one another. Kai smiled up at Kris, like it was all a fun game they were playing. But to Kris it wasn’t a game; it was life, blood pumping, heart and soul. It was everything he could ever have wished for. And it was right here under his nose, so close he could just reach down and…  
Kris leaned forward and kissed Kai on the lips. It was a long, careful, loving kiss. Kai’s smile disappeared, but he didn’t move. He just lay there absolutely still, letting Kris kiss him. Kris kissed him for as long as he could muster before going back up for breath. He looked down at Kai, expecting some kind of reaction. Kai looked up at him with big eyes, but didn’t say a word. Kris knew this look all too well. It was the same look Kai had the night before. It was the look that had been driving Kris crazy the entire day, both while awake and in his dreams. He wasn’t going to accept it this time. He wasn’t going to chicken out and leave. This time he was going to get a proper reaction.  
He leaned down and kissed Kai again, this time with more force. As he pressed his lips onto Kai’s he could feel no response. Kai wasn’t kissing him back, but he wasn’t trying to get away either. He was just lying there completely passive. It was driving Kris crazy. When he broke away this time, he took a moment and stared deep into Kai’s eyes. There they were, big, brown and full of calm wonder. How could he be this calm? Once again Kris felt like Kai was keeping something from him, like he was living a secret life of his own inside his mind far away from the world around him. What was he thinking? Kris needed to know.  
He kissed Kai a third time, this time with even more force. He was going to make Kai respond; any kind of response was fine. He pushed his tongue forward and into Kai’s mouth with ease. Kai wasn’t putting up a fight at all. His entire body seemed to have relaxed, and he let Kris roam his mouth as he pleased, but he did not respond. When Kris finally broke away from the kiss they were both gasping for air, but Kai still didn’t say a word. This was driving Kris insane. What was wrong with this kid? Why couldn’t he just do something, say something, anything? Maybe Kris should say something first. But he didn’t know what to say. _Hello, I like kissing you. Do you like kissing me?_ This was so dumb. If Kai had any problems with what was going on he could just say so. Kris would respect that, but the way it was now… Kris wasn’t going to stay away just in case Kai might not like it. Maybe if he gave him a chance to escape? He could roll over on his back again. Then Kai would be freed from his grip and could leave any time.  
Kris made the roll, but he overestimated the size of the bed and with a yell he fell off the bed and on to the floor.   
“Hyung, are you okay?” Kai was leaning out over the side of the bed, looking down on Kris sprawled out on the floor. Kris moaned in pain and held his hand to his back. He had hit the floor at an angle and had the breath knocked out of him, but the thing that hurt most was his pride. How clumsy could he be?  
Kai kept staring at him with a worried face. At least he cared about his hyung in some way.   
“I’m okay”, said Kris, trying to hide his embarrassment. “Are you okay?” he added looking up at Kai with a hesitant expression. He had to ask. Kai looked back at him in confusion. Then he smiled.   
“I’m not the one who fell”, he said, and started giggling. Kris just stared at him. That kid! Here he had been worried about Kai’s feelings. But Kai seemed fine. Fine enough to laugh at him. Kris didn’t know if he should feel relieved or insulted. Kai obviously wasn’t shy. Why couldn’t he have been more open with how he felt before? Maybe this time he would be.   
“Yah!” Kris grabbed Kai’s shoulders and pulled. Kai let out a yelp and tumbled down on top of Kris. He lay there giggling and said with a cheeky voice: “Hyung, are you angry? Are you going to punish me?”  
“Don’t think I won’t”, muttered Kris, but he couldn’t help from smiling too.  
Kai sat up on top of Kris and looked down on him laughing: “I guess you could try, but an old man like you might find it hard to keep up.” That was it! This kid needed to be punished!  
Kris quickly sat up. He grabbed Kai by the waist and pushed him to the side, lifted his legs, and soon Kai was lying on his stomach over Kris’s lap. Kai giggled and wriggled around in halfhearted attempt to escape, but Kris held him down firmly. Kris smiled and raised his hand.   
“You are going to regret you said that”, he said with mock irritation in his voice.   
“No, hyung, please”, Kai squealed in between giggles. He was smiling from cheek to cheek now, obviously enjoying the game.  
Kris raised his hand even further and measured a slap. Kai squealed again: “Hyung!”, but Kris didn’t pay any attention. Instead he let his hand fall flat on Kai’s ass. Kai’s body shook and he let out a little cry of pain, though mostly for the sake of the game; Kris was going easy on him. Kris raised his hand again and let it fall once more. Kai cried out again, but continued to giggle.   
“Do you yield?” asked Kris sternly. Kai just giggled, and so Kris raised his hand yet again and this time he used a bit more force. Kai’s entire body tensed, but he still didn’t seem troubled. This kid! Nothing could face him. Kris couldn’t give in now. He hit him again, this time even harder. Kai still just giggled: “Hyung, stop it!” Kris hit again. And again. And again. He was doing it harder and harder and harder, and with each slap he breathing got shorter and shorter. Finally Kai yelled: “Yield! I yield!” Kris stopped and panted. So did Kai. He wasn’t giggling anymore, but his face was still smiling. Kris helped Kai sit up next to him. They sat there looking at each other, smiling and panting. Then Kris leant over and kissed Kai again. This time it was going to be different, he was sure of that. He ran his hand along the side of Kai’s face and neck and kissed him long and hard. Now was the time Kai would run if he wanted to, or at least break away from the kiss. But Kai didn’t run. He sat there next to Kris, and let Kris kiss him. Yet no response. What was wrong with this kid? Why couldn’t he act like a normal human being? Why did he have to make things so difficult?  
Kris abruptly broke away from the kiss. He was getting angry now, angry and hurt. Was Kai just letting him kiss him out of pity? Or was it all just a game to him, one he wasn’t sure how to play? Kris looked at Kai for a second in anger, at those big eyes with their twinkling wonder, and that mouth that felt so soft and warm and yielding, still never moved or cooperated when it was supposed to. Then Kris turned his back on Kai. He refused to run away, but he still couldn’t face those eyes for one more second. It was all a bit too much to bear. For a while they sat like that, silently, with Kai staring at Kris’s back and Kris staring out into nothing. Then Kai actually spoke.  
“Hyung”, he said carefully. “You are tired and sick. Maybe we should try and sleep some. You need to rest.”  
To rest. Kris didn’t need to rest. What he needed was something else. He needed Kai. But he wasn’t going to tell Kai that. He’d had enough embarrassment for one day. Kai wasn’t an idiot. He should be able to figure out what was going on. And if he wanted to play it this way…  
“You’re right!” Kris said angrily. “I need to sleep. In my own bed. No need to crowd up in one bed when there’s a dorm full of them. I’ll see you tomorrow.” And with that Kris left the room. He paced the hallway for a long time, before finally resigning and going back to his own room to sleep.

\---

The next day the fever had gone. In a way Kai had been right the night before; Kris had really needed to sleep, and once he laid his body down in bed, he had fallen asleep almost immediately. Then he had slept through the entire night, not even waking up when the other members came home. Finally he had woken up when Xiumin’s alarm rang in the morning and it had been time to get up and get ready for work. Suho tried to make Kris stay at home, but he refused to stay in that miserable and lonely place for one more day, and so in the end he was allowed to come with them as long as he sat quietly and watched. That was fine with Kris. His body still felt tired and slow, and his breath got heavy the second he moved. A bit more rest would probably do him some good. As long as he didn’t have to stay in the dorm all day he was fine with anything. So he showered and went with the other members to the practice room.  
While the other members were practicing, Kris had plenty of time to think. He thought about the night before. He thought about Kai’s reaction, and his own anger. Maybe he had overreacted. Kai was probably just concerned and worried about his sick hyung. No wonder he would let Kris kiss him. When someone is sick, you can’t really refuse them, can you? And now that the fever was gone, the rest would be as well. There was nothing left to worry about. Kai was dancing around the room with the others, and it didn’t do anything for him. It was like it should be. Kai was a cute dongsaeng with great movement but that was it. Better to just leave it all behind and focus on what was ahead; the show.   
It was going to be a big show, a live broadcast with many millions of viewers. Kris had of course done similar broadcasts before; he had worked in China for many years. But this was in Korea and it was going to be watched by not only fans, but a lot of other people as well. He was nervous. The company had been heavily promoting the show for weeks, and their superiors had made it clear to them that this show was a make it or break it moment, and should be given utmost priority. No wonder they were all working their asses off.   
Being sick and forced to watch from the sidelines was awful. Kris wanted to be among the others and help out. At least being there in person meant that he could encourage the others, and be a useful outside observer to their progress. Once in a while he would shout out encouragements or point out flaws with how they were syncing up. The members had all learnt the steps by now. All that was left was to make it look good in union, and that was the most difficult part, as some members were clearly better dancers than others, and able to do the movements with far more grace. If there was too big of a difference between them it would look weird when they danced side by side, and so the members had to learn to adjust their steps to fit with the rest. It was all tedious work, and Kris knew he would have to work hard to catch up later. Still everyone was focused and professional, doing what they were supposed to without complaints. This was the path they had chosen for themselves, and hard work was only to be expected.

As lunchtime was approaching, Kris went with a manager to buy some food for everybody. It was the least he could do, being unable to participate in the practice. They gave their order to a girl working at the register in the restaurant. She gave Kris a shy smile, and he could tell she found him attractive. He smiled back; she was really pretty and he felt flattered. As they were leaving she leaned over and gave him a candy from a bowl. He guessed they normally used the bowl for customers with kids. As he took the candy and thanked her, she blushed and he could feel how he was smiling widely. She looked so cute.   
On the way back he thought about that girl and her smile. Having a girlfriend like that would be awfully nice. He would take her on dates, and let her come backstage at concert. He would treat her to nice dinners, Suho would probably help him pay if needed, and she would wear a pretty dress and jewelry. He would show her off to the other members and be proud of having her by his side. They would secretly sneaking into the cinema and cuddle in the seats in the back. Overall it could be a nice life, and he was sure it would make him happy. Maybe she would even cook him lunchboxes that he could show off to the others. Maybe someday he would be that lucky. Because that was what he wanted; it’s what he had always wanted. Nothing had changed. One day he would have the time for a pretty girlfriend, and then he would give her everything and be happy.  
They arrived at the practice room and the other members came to meet them. The members dived into the bags of food, clearly both hungry and happy to get a break. The mood was good, everyone talking happily and joking around. Kris just stood there looking at all the members, feeling content to be among so many good friends. He felt like he was right where he was supposed to be, and soon he would be able to join them and dance too.   
“Hyung, what do you have in your hand?” said Chen curiously. Kris looked down on his hand. He was squeezing the candy he had gotten from the girl at the restaurant, and the end of the bright yellow wrapper was sticking out of his fist. If he told Chen the truth about the candy he would tease him to death for it.   
“Oh, just a candy I got at the restaurant”, he answered and opened his palm to show the candy.  
Chen looked at the candy, but didn’t seem very impressed. Guess he had been hoping for a more interesting answer.   
“Oh, not just any candy”, said the manager and smiled mischievously. “He got it from a pretty girl. You should have seen the way those two smiled at each other. It was quite something.”  
“What?! Hyung, you met a girl?!” Now Chen’s interest was piqued, and the way he said it made many of the other members turn around and start listening too. Suddenly many people seemed interested in the little yellow candy, and the pretty girl that had given it to him.   
“What did she look like?” Baekhyun asked the manager excitedly.   
“How old was she?” Sehun wanted to know.   
“Hyung, did you ask her out?” Chanyeol asked Kris eagerly.  
Kris didn’t know how to handle the situation. Somehow he felt like he wanted to keep the moment to himself, like it was between him and the girl. Then again nothing much had happened so what was the harm in answering. He looked around at their eager faces. Everyone seemed to be listening now, smiles all around, apart from D.O., Suho and Kai who were standing a bit further off into the room and seem to be discussing something work related. For some reason this made Kris both annoyed and relieved.  
At this point the manager seemed to have had enough of waiting for Kris to answer.   
“She was really pretty, probably around 20 years old”, he said smiling. “She blushed so innocently when she gave him that candy. You should have seen the smile he flashed her.”  
“OOOO!” the sound echoed through the room as everyone cried out in unison. Kris felt their many eyes staring at him, and was beginning to feel very uncomfortable with the whole thing. Still, wasn’t showing her off what he had wanted to do?  
“She was very nice”, he said. “And good-looking”, he added when he saw the glee in their faces.  
“So did you ask her out, hyung?” Chanyeol asked again.   
“No, of course not”, said Kris. “I can’t be dating now. Not with so much work to do.”  
“Aaw!” the members didn’t exactly try to hide their disappointment. Kris smirked.   
“I have to be a good leader to you guys, don’t I? I can’t just spend all my time with girls”, he said smugly. “Plus, if I asked out every girl that showed an interest in me, I would have my hands full.”  
Chen rolled his eyes at this, and Sehun stifled a giggle. Kris felt pleased with how he was handling the situation. This didn’t turn out quite as bad as he had thought.   
“Hyung, you met a girl?” said a voice behind Kris’s back. He knew the voice and instantly his smiled plummeted to the floor. He turned around and there was Kai, standing in front of him waiting calmly for an answer.   
“Well… yes I guess so”, Kris answered, not really knowing what else to say. Kai still looked completely calm, and for some reason that made Kris’s stomach hurt a little bit.   
“Does that mean you have a girlfriend now?” Kai asked, as if it was the most natural question in the world.   
“No!” said Kris, maybe a little too quickly. “I… I didn’t even catch her name. She just gave me a candy, that’s all.” Why was he explaining this to Kai? He didn’t exactly owe him an explanation. Especially since Kai didn’t even seem to care. “She was very pretty though”, he couldn’t help adding, seeing Kai’s calm face and those big eyes peering at him.   
“Oh!” Kai answered, and Kris searched his eyes for any kind of reaction but there didn’t seem to be one. Instead Kai turned his eyes to look at the candy. “So are you going to eat it?” he said while looking at it, still not showing any emotions on his face.  
“I don’t know”, Kris answered earnestly. “I haven’t really thought about it.” Kai looked up at him and Kris could see Kai’s eyes sparkle for a second, but before he could figure out what it meant, the sparkle was gone. Seeing Kai’s face this close was giving him weird feelings though, as if he was being sentimental, or maybe just confused. All of a sudden he heard himself say: “Do you want it?” as his hand stretched out to offer Kai the candy. Kai’s face shone up, and now there was no mistaking the sparkle in his eyes for anything other than pure happiness.   
“Thank you, hyung!” he said with a wide smile, and took the candy from Kris’s hand before Kris had time to figure out what had just gone down. The other guys had at this point stopped listening. The food was beckoning and Kris didn’t seem to have even talked to the girl properly, so what was the point in keeping the conversation going? And so everyone sat down around the room to eat their lunch, and soon the girl and the candy was all but forgotten. Only Kris seemed to still be thinking about it. Why had he been so defensive in front of Kai? And why did it bother him so much when Kai had shown more interest in a candy than his love life? Why should Kai have any interest in his love life at all?

That evening when they got back to the dorm everyone was exhausted. After taking turns in the bathroom most of the members went to read or watch movies in their respective rooms. Kris was really tired, even though he hadn’t been dancing at all. Guess his body needed another night’s sleep before it was fully recovered. He decided to lie down in bed and watch a movie on his laptop. As he was turning on the movie someone knocked on the door to his room.   
“Hyung?” Kai came in looking around the room.   
“Hello?” said Kris, confused to see Kai there. What did he want? Kai turned to face Kris.   
“Where are the others?” he asked. Oh, so he was looking for someone else. Kris could feel the disappointment welling up inside.   
“I think they’re watching a movie in the living room”, he answered, trying to not let the disappointment show on his face. “Who were you looking for?”  
“Oh, no one. Or well”, Kai suddenly looked a little shy. “Actually I was looking for you hyung”, he said and his cheeks seemed to be growing a little redder. Kris couldn’t keep from smiling. He felt his heart take a giant leap. Why shouldn’t he be happy? His dongsaeng had come looking for him, and was looking so cute too. And after having sat on the sidelines all day he might finally be able to be of some use. It was a perfectly normal reaction to feel happy in this kind of situation.   
“Oh!” Kris said still smiling. “Can I help you with something?”  
“No, I was just thinking about what you said earlier”, Kai said, still blushing.  He sat down next to Kris on the bed. “Hyung, have you dated a lot of girls?” Kai looked straight into Kris’s eyes with the most innocent look on his face, like he was expecting Kris to unravel the truth about the universe and life itself right in front of his eyes. Kris didn’t really know what to say. Of course he had dated girls before. He had lived a normal life in Canada before he had joined the company, and he had always been popular with girls. Even during his training years he’d kept an active love life. Why should he be denied that, if he managed to make time for it? Especially since the girls seemed to want it too. But could he really tell Kai all that? After all, life was very different in Korea and Canada. And Kai was so young and innocent, and…Kai. Asking such a question, what was he fishing for?  
“I’ve had girlfriends” Kris finally said.   
“Oh!” said Kai and turned silent. He looked like he was contemplating something. Was he disappointed? Kris cursed himself internally for thinking such an idiotic thought. Of course he wouldn’t be. And even if he was, what did it matter? The fever was over. He had to let it go.   
“Why do you ask? Do you need dating advice?” Kris said, trying to take control of the conversation. He had to remember that he was the hyung, the leader. Kai was his dongsaeng, who was asking him very personal questions. It was only fair that he should get to ask some questions back. He had to show who was boss.   
“Oh, no, I was just curious”, said Kai. He was going back to his usual calm self. “I’ve had girlfriends too”, he added after a second’s consideration. Kris didn’t know how he felt about that. For some reason the thought of Kai with a girlfriend seemed to annoy him. This kid! Of course he had to mention it so calmly too.   
“I see”, Kris said, trying to exude calm even though the irritation was slowly building in his chest. “I guess you don’t need any of my help with girls then.”  
“Not really”, said Kai with an honesty that made Kris equal parts amused and annoyed. “Girls have always seemed to like me.”  
“I bet they have”, said Kris through clenched teeth. It was getting harder to control the impulse to hit Kai in the face.   
“Well, I got to be a member of the group for a reason”, said Kai matter-of-factly. And then he added with a kind smile: “Just like hyung”. Suck up! Kai really knew how to play his hyungs when it was to his benefit. Kris couldn’t help but smile a little though. It was a compliment, and compliments are always nice, he told himself.   
“Still, I thought… never mind” Kai started but interrupted himself. He looked a little concerned now, and that was piquing Kris’s interest.   
“What did you think?” said Kris curiously.   
“No, forget it, it was stupid”, said Kai, now clearly regretting that he had said anything in the first place.   
“No, what?!” said Kris insistently. “You have to tell me.”  
“I don’t know if I should”, said Kai with a trusting honesty that made Kris hesitate for a second. Then his curiosity got the better of him.   
“I’m a leader and your hyung. You can be honest with me”, Kris said as calmly as he could muster.   
“Well…” Kai still seemed a bit hesitant, but Kris wasn’t really giving him much of a choice. Not saying it now would be to outright offend his hyung. And so Kai continued: “Yesterday you kissed me. Hyung, I know that it was because of the fever, but I still thought… well… that maybe hyung was… well, wasn’t that interested in girls”, he ended and now the red on his cheeks was beginning to come back.  
Kris just stared at him. What did he answer now? Damn, why had he been so insistent? He didn’t even know what those kisses had been himself. How would he be able to explain it to Kai, Mr. Innocent himself, without giving him the wrong impression? Luckily Kai broke the silence:   
“Hyung, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything”, he said apologetically. “Don’t worry, I won’t take it to heart, or tell anyone about it. I know now that hyung has had girlfriends. Of course it was all because of hyung having a fever.” Kai put a reassuring hand on Kris’s upper arm and smiled carefully.  
Once again Kris didn’t know what to do. Somehow it all felt wrong. Of course he didn’t want Kai to get the wrong impression. But he didn’t want him to be so calm about all of it either. How could he let a hyung just kiss him like that and then shrug it off that easily? Why didn’t he protest at least a little? If he had had girlfriends himself, he wouldn’t really be into it, so he should just be honest with Kris and tell him the truth. Why did it hurt so much that he didn’t tell Kris the truth? Why was Kris being such a drama queen over this? And what was he supposed to do now?  
“I’m not gay”, he finally spat out.   
“Of course not”, said Kai and nodded encouragingly. “I know you aren’t. Hyung just had a fever, that’s all.”  
“Yes”, said Kris quietly, as much to himself as to Kai. “I just had a fever.”  
“Yes”, said Kai now also speaking quietly. “It’s not like hyung would actually have those kinds of feelings for me.” Why did it sound so sad when Kai said it like that? Of course that wasn’t true. He had had feelings for Kai. It had been because of the fever, but they had still been there. All of a sudden Kris felt sad, like he was letting Kai down.   
“It’s nothing personal”, he blurted out. “I just don’t think about guys that way. Or well”, he added, “I might have thought that way then, but as you said it was all the fever talking.” He looked at Kai and felt how the embarrassment was raising through his body. What had he just admitted to?  
“How did you think about me hyung?” said Kai, with such an innocent voice that Kris felt his heart melt just a little bit. What was the harm in telling the truth now? The fever was already gone anyways.   
“I thought that you were really cute”, he said. He saw Kai smile, but had to look away. It was too much to bear if he was to finish talking. “Cute and good-looking and stuff like that”, he said, and now the embarrassment was making his face burn. He couldn’t look at Kai anymore, but he heard the smile on Kai’s face when Kai answered:   
“You thought I was good-looking? Which parts of me did you like?”  
“I don’t know!” Kris answered defensively. “All of you I guess. Your smile”, he added quietly.   
“Hyung liked my smile?” said Kai happily. Kris ventured a look, and Kai was now smiling from ear to ear. So adorable! Kris felt warmth spreading through his chest. Why was this happening again? The fever was gone now. This wasn’t supposed to happen anymore. Although making someone that happy was of course going to make him happy too. Hopefully that was it. That had to be it.   
“Yeah, well, you do have a cute smile”, Kris said. “Like you said, there’s a reason you became part of the group right?” Of course Kai was already aware of the fact that his smile was considered cute. It was something that many fans mentioned and complimented him for. So saying something like that couldn’t hurt right? If it made Kai that happy?  
Kai just kept smiling wide, the lines in his cheeks and around his eyes growing deeper and his eyes glistening with joy. He looked like a kid in a candy store. Kris felt like he was slowly being crushed from the inside, like someone was squeezing his lungs together. There was too much to handle; too much of everything. This couldn’t be healthy. He shouldn’t let Kai smile like that. A weaker person might get a heart attack from a smile like that.   
“Maybe you should be a little careful how you act around people”, he blurted out. Kai stopped smiling and he could see confusion and concern on Kai’s face now.   
“What do you mean?” he asked. Once again those trusting eyes turned to Kris, looking for an answer. Kris cursed himself. What _did_ he mean?  
“You’re a little too relaxed”, he said, trying to make sense of his own thoughts. Having Kai smile like that to another hyung would drive him crazy. He somehow had to teach Kai to not be so easy. Maybe not let hyungs kiss him whenever they felt like it, just because they happened to have a fever. “It could become a problem if you were around other people”, he concluded. Kai still looked confused.   
“Did I do something wrong hyung? Was I being impolite?” he asked with a worried voice.   
“No, not really, you just…” Kris didn’t know how to explain it. How could he tell Kai to not shine so brightly, and to not be so forthcoming? How could he tell him to be less obviously happy? And to say no when others tried to kiss him? “You have to stand up for yourself”, he said, still forming the words as he spoke. “You should be happy when you’re happy and so on. But maybe be careful who you show it to. As your leader and hyung it is my job to protect you, but I can’t do that if you don’t learn to also protect yourself.”   
Kai just stared at him. He didn’t seem to understand a word Kris was saying. To be honest, Kris wasn’t sure he quite understood it either. It was coming out way too cryptic.  
“The way you smile, and the way you act around me. I mean. Um. With me it’s okay because I’m your leader, but if it was another hyung then maybe they would get the wrong idea and take advantage of you. You’re still so young and inexperienced. You need to be stronger and not make hyung worry so much”, he finally concluded.  
At first Kai just continued to stare, then the smile returned to his cheeks.  
“Hyung, you worry about me?” he said happily. Seriously? From all of that, that was what he picked up? Kris felt like he was talking to an idiot, and irritation started building up again.   
Kai didn’t seem to notice. He looked up at his hyung and happily added:   
“Don’t worry, hyung, I can take care of myself. I might be young, but I’m also strong. I’ll defend myself. I won’t let hyung down.”  
Great. Kris could feel the irritation growing inside. This kid! So naïve! Sure he might be strong physically, but that wasn’t really what Kris meant. Take care of himself, like hell he could take care of himself! If he could do that, why had he been letting Kris kiss him like that?! And several times too! Clearly Kris needed to explain himself more thoroughly.   
“You shouldn’t just let people treat you a certain way, even if they’re a hyung or a sick person, or even your parent”, he said forcefully. “You have to make it clear what is okay and what isn’t.”  
“Yes, hyung!” said Kai seriously, like he was a soldier getting training from his superior. He was paying proper attention now, but Kris doubted Kai actually understood what he wanted to say.   
“You can’t make exceptions”, Kris continued. “Not with anyone. Even me! You have to protect yourself and be strong!”  
“Yes, hyung!” said Kai again, and he really was taking it seriously. Was it going to make any difference though? Only one way to find out. He couldn’t believe he was doing this again. Kris took a deep breath. Then he leaned in and kissed Kai square on the mouth. Kai’s eyes widened in surprise; he clearly hadn’t expected this. But he didn’t move away and as Kris broke away from the kiss, he was still staring at him with trusting eyes filled with wonder. What was wrong with this kid? What was he going to have to do to prove his point? Kris was getting properly angry now. Why was Kai acting so cold? Then Kai stretched out his hand and felt Kris’s forehead.   
“Hyung, do you have a fever again?” he said innocently.   
That was it! Kris pushed Kai down on the bed and forced his mouth open with his tongue. He grabbed both of Kai’s arms and pinned them down around his head. Kai had been right when he described himself as strong. Kris knew Kai was stronger than him and would be able to get out of his grip if he wanted to. Kris also knew that if Kai tried to resist even in the slightest, he would instantly let him go. But Kai didn’t resist. He just lay there letting Kris kiss him. Finally Kris had to break away for air. He was getting warmer and warmer inside, anger spreading through his body.   
“I don’t have a fever”, he whispered between deep breathes. Then he leaned down and kissed Kai again.   
Kai still didn’t resist him. Instead he closed his eyes. Finally those big wondering eyes were gone, but was this much better? Was Kai responding or just shutting Kris out? He still didn’t move his body or kiss back in any way. This was making Kris more and more upset. He felt betrayed. One second Kai had promised to be upfront and honest about his feelings, the next there he was letting Kris do whatever he wanted. It hurt Kris’s feelings. You either like something or you don’t, there’s no in-between. And if Kai liked it then he should be kissing Kris back. Kris knew that Kai had kissed before; in fact hadn’t he just admitted to being experienced with girls? Obviously Kai knew how these kinds of situations were supposed to play out. Yet he didn’t do anything. So that must mean he didn’t want to. And if he didn’t want to, why couldn’t he just say that instead of toying with Kris like this? It all felt like a big lie now. Kris couldn’t deal with this hurtful lying. Kai had to be honest and say that he didn’t want it. It didn’t matter how; Kris was going to make him say it.  
Kris broke away from the kiss, and moved his body to sit on top of Kai. He kept holding Kai’s arms down with one of his hands, and used the other to stroke Kai’s cheek. Kai opened his eyes and smiled carefully at his hyung. The trust in his eyes seemed to flicker now, like he didn’t really know what to make of this situation. Kris smiled down at him, despite the growing hurt inside. He was going to play this all the way through.   
“Dongsaeng-ah”, he said with a caring voice. “What if everything I did yesterday and before wasn’t because of the fever? What if I just liked you that much?” He smiled at Kai’s concerned face; finally he seemed to be getting somewhere. “Would you date me then? Would you try and keep your hyung happy, and let him kiss you every day? Would you let him do other things to you as well?” Kris ran his hand over Kai’s chest and gave him a suggestive look.  
Kai looked properly worried now, but Kris ignored it. Kai had always been good at taking what he wanted, and of manipulating the hyungs into giving it to him. If he wanted to kiss Kris he would have kissed back by now, yet he didn’t. The answer to what Kai really wanted was clear in Kris’s mind. Yet he also knew that he needed a proper rejection before he could let this whole thing go. He couldn’t just let Kai get away with this cold behavior.   
“Hyung…” Kai started, still looking very worried. “Hyung, do you really like me?”   
This was a question Kris had not expected. He wanted to answer no, but then the whole lesson would be ruined. Yet saying yes felt wrong. Not like this. This wasn’t how you confessed to someone. Of course it wouldn’t be a real confession, just something to teach Kai a lesson. But that somehow made it feel even worse. This was all too much to deal with.   
“What do you think?” Kris finally said, feeling satisfied that he had avoided a direct answer. “Why do you think I keep kissing you? Because I’m bored?”   
Kai just looked at him, his eyes still full with concern, and something else. Was it pity? Kris couldn’t have that, no, no pity. He had to make Kai stop looking at him that way.   
“Well, as long as it doesn’t bother you, I guess I’ll just continue then”, he said confidently and leant down to kiss Kai again. This time Kai moved away, leaning his head slightly to the side. He looked at his hyung in hurt confusion.   
“That’s not an answer, hyung”, he said. Oh, so now Kai had decided to grow a brain? Kris’s heart was pounding and he could feel the hurt lumping in his throat. Why was Kai doing this to him? Why was he making Kris the bad guy? Kris knew what he would have to answer now, and as the words rolled out of his mouth, he also knew, for the first time definitely, that they were true:  
“Yes, I like you”, he said flatly. “I like you. I like you. I like you. Are you happy now? Can I kiss you now?” He could feel the tears stinging in his eyes, but he wasn’t going to give in. He wasn’t going to let Kai see him cry. This was worse than he could have possibly imagined. He had tried to fight it, tried to deny it, but here it was, the awful truth. He liked a guy, a dude. He liked Kai. The stupidest, most annoying dongsaeng, who let him kiss him over and over again, only so he could break his heart once it was firmly locked in place. How selfish could a guy be? How could Kai be forcing him to say it outright like that? What the hell was his problem? Well, if Kris had to say it so did Kai.  
Kris leant down again and kissed Kai. At first Kai let him, but then he broke away again.   
“Hyung, do you really like me? I thought you said you weren’t gay?”   
Was this guy for real? Now he had to prove his feelings before Kai would condescend to trampling on them? Hell, no.   
“What do you want me to say?” Kris answered, and now there was no way of hiding the anger in his voice. “I like you. That’s all there is to it. I like you. Now do what you want with that information. Let me kiss you or leave me alone.”   
This time Kai did let Kris kiss him, but Kris could still see the worry in his eyes. Seriously? Why couldn’t he just leave? Why was he keeping this whole charade up? Didn’t he see that he was hurting Kris even further by staying? Still a part of Kris felt happy that he had stayed. No, happy wasn’t the right word. Kris knew that sooner or later Kai would reject him and leave. And if this was going to be the last time Kris could kiss him, then he was grateful Kai was giving him that chance.  
And so with the passion of what could be their last kiss, Kris pressed himself up towards Kai and let his fingers comb through Kai’s hair, as he kissed him long and hard. He let go of Kai’s arms and let his hand run along them down to Kai’s neck, and further on to his chest. When he broke away from the kiss, he let his lips keep trailing down Kai’s throat. Kai whispered “hyung”, probably in an attempt to make him stop, but he ignored it. _The last kiss_ was all that went through his mind. _It’s the last kiss_. He didn’t want to let go and leave. He was going to make it last as long as he could. He wasn’t going to stop until Kai properly told him to. As long as he could get away with it, he would hold on to Kai, and love Kai, and be as close to Kai as he possibly could.  
With that in mind, Kris started pulling up Kai’s t-shirt and kissing his chest and belly. He didn’t want to take the risk of pulling it over Kai’s head. Seeing Kai’s worried eyes might make him hesitate. Instead he kept his eyes firmly fixed on Kai’s body and let his lips and hands run all over Kai’s bare waist.  
Kai’s body seemed to know what was in the air, because his crotch was responding to the touch. Kris knew all too well this could happen. In his younger years, embarrassing erections had been all too common and often occurred at the worst times too. Kai still really was a kid, so his body’s reaction was only natural. Kris tried to keep this in mind, and not take it to heart. _Last kiss_ , he thought.  
All this kissing and seeing Kai’s erection was affecting him though, and he felt a pull under the tight fabric of his underwear. The thought of it made him blush, as his mind rushed to all the things he wanted to do to help them both out. He had been with plenty of girls, and an erection wasn’t really that big of a deal. He was Canadian after all, and not Korean. But this was a situation that was all new to him. Guess that’s what happens when you start liking another guy. In his desperation to be close to Kai, his mind had wandered into unknown territory. Now what was he going to do?   
He tried to steer his thoughts away from the bulge in the front of Kai’s pants, and focused on the smooth pale skin of Kai’s stomach under his lips. He reminded himself of the urgency of the situation. Any second Kai would tell him to stop. It was now or never. Then again, if this was the only chance he had…  
Kris ventured a quick sweep with his hand over Kai’s crotch. Kai’s breathing, which had begun to speed up, caught for a second and his throat let out an involuntary moan. Kris thought he would perish from the sound alone. He could feel the muscles in his stomach, crotch and thighs tighten, and he couldn’t help but clench his jaw. This was too much to resist. He needed to do it again.  
As he was kissing Kai’s stomach he careful reached down with his hand and let it rest on Kai’s thigh. He stroked it, and as he did he could hear Kai breathe in sync with his strokes. Then he slowly moved his hand higher, and finally let it lightly rest on top of Kai’s cock. Kai let out a sigh, and his entire body moved in a short and light shiver. Kris could feel Kai’s muscles tighten under him, and he knew what had to come next. If this was the last time, he would leave Kai with a good memory. He would show Kai what a good leader he could really be.  
Kris carefully started to pull down Kai’s pants and underwear, lifting them over the hard bulge and releasing Kai’s cock from its prison. He was expecting Kai to interrupt him at any second but Kai didn’t move. Against his better judgment, Kris quickly glanced up at Kai’s face. Kai lay as if frozen in place, with his eyes wide open and his head lost in thoughts. His face seemed deeply conflicted, torn between pleasure and pain. Clearly his heart was telling him one thing, and his body another. So far his body seemed to be winning, but for how much longer? If Kai really was in conflict, then Kris had to help him and convince him to stay, if only for a little while longer.  
Kris bent his head down and kissed Kai’s cock. Kai let out another little moan, almost like a whimper, and Kris could feel it shiver through his body. It was all too magnificently beautiful. Kris had never done this on a guy before, but for Kai he would try anything. He carefully put the head of Kai’s cock on his tongue and pushed it into his mouth. Kai gasped. That sound was enough of an encouragement; Kris held on to the cock with his lips and tongue, and grabbed a steady hold of the root with his hand. He began moving his hand up and down as he licked and teased the head using his lips and tongue. Kai let out a noise almost like a howl, and then quickly covered his own mouth with his hand. Kris could still see Kai’s chest heaving heavily up and down in quick rhythms, but now it was all happening in silence. This was a shame; Kris wanted to hear Kai’s reactions. He stretched out his empty hand and held it to Kai’s chest. Now he could at least feel Kai’s heartbeat and breathing. It was the most beautiful, honest feeling. A heartbeat couldn’t lie.  
Kris kept working Kai’s cock and soon Kai was moving and twitching on the bed, so close to him. Kris felt like he was the luckiest guy in the world to get to see something so amazing. These movements were even more beautiful than when Kai was dancing. Then Kai was always so in control. Kris was realizing he preferred it when Kai was out of control, like now. As long as Kris kept sucking his dick, Kai was all Kris’s to do with what he pleased. They were connected. Kris’s hand working Kai’s cock was all that was needed to make Kai dance the most beautiful of dances, writhing and twisting and turning to the music that was only in their collective minds.  
In a desperate attempt at some control, Kai reached out his other hand and clasped it around Kris’s. He didn’t tell Kris to stop though, and so Kris kept going, letting Kai’s hand hang on for the ride, as he moved his own up and down along Kai’s cock. The intimacy of their two hands together, moving in rhythm with Kai’s quick breathing, was driving Kris crazy. His own erection was itching in his pants, begging for attention, but he refused it and focused all his energy on Kai. Soon Kai’s entire body was vibrating, and Kris could see him bite down on his own hand, as splutters of cum washed into Kris’s mouth. Reflexively Kris swallowed it down, only afterwards realizing in shock what he had done. He had given a guy a blowjob. And swallowed. Guess that meant it was official. You couldn’t get much gayer than that.  
Kris looked up at Kai’s face, all of a sudden feeling a little shy. Kai’s eyes were closed and his mouth was still biting down on his hand, although now it seemed with less force. If Kris hadn’t known better he’d say that Kai had left for a better place. Feeling suddenly a little indecent at seeing Kai in such a weak and vulnerable state, Kris pulled Kai’s t-shirt back down over his stomach and cleaned up his crotch a little with his sheets before pulling his pants back up. Kai still didn’t move a muscle. Kris crawled up higher in the bed and lay down next to Kai, pulling his dongsaeng into a tight embrace. Finally Kai responded and stretched out an arm to hug Kris back. This made Kris heart jump with happiness. The warmth was back and filling him up inside, until he felt ready to explode.  Such a cute and dependable dongsaeng, how could he ever have been angry at him? He pulled Kai even tighter, and shifted his weight to slowly move Kai over to lie on his chest. Kai snuggled into it, and finally took his other hand out of his mouth.   
“Hyung”, he murmured. And then he fell asleep.

\---

The next morning when Kris woke up Kai was already gone. Apparently he had already woken up and left. That hurt Kris’s feeling somewhat, but realizing that Xiumin was back in the room, now sleeping soundly, he also felt a tinge of relief. How was he going to explain that Kai had been sleeping with him? It was perhaps better this way. Hopefully it had been too dark in the room for Xiumin to notice another person in Kris’s bed.  
Still, what was he going to say to Kai once he met him? Last night he had confessed his feeling and then… Kris’s head spun at the thought of what he had been doing. Had he gone temporarily insane? No, he also remembered the sounds Kai had made and the movements of his body as he… Oh, wow, that memory was strong enough for Kris’s cock to wake up as well. Yesterday night it hadn’t gotten any attention, but maybe now it could. Kris decided to leave the room and headed for the bathroom.

In the shower, last night was repeated in his mind like a full-color feature. He remembered every detail, from the feel of Kai’s skin and the sight of Kai’s abs tightening, to the warm of Kai’s dick in his mouth. As Kris finally gave his own crotch the attention it had been longing for, he thought about what a lucky guy he was. This was a memory he would never forget. It had been worth it; whatever happened next, it was worth it.   
Coming had never been so easy and effortless, nor the feeling so intense. As Kris was cleaning himself off, he thought about the fact that he now seemed to be gay. Or probably had been gay all along? What did that even mean? Would he have to start watching gay porn now? And wear rainbow colors and join gay parades? Somehow all of that didn’t really feel like his style. And what would the company say if they found out? He might get fired, kicked out of the group! After all the hard work he had invested in his career that was unthinkable. He would have to keep this side of himself a secret. He couldn’t give in to the feeling anymore. No one could know. Guess that meant no gay parades. Kris couldn’t help smiling to himself at the thought.  
At least keeping it a secret from the rest of the members would be a breeze. Kai wasn’t likely to tell anyone what they had been up to last night. Nor was he likely to let Kris repeat the scene. It had been a proper last kiss, and now it was time to leave it all behind. That thought made Kris sad. Kissing Kai had been like flying an airplane; terrifying but also such a rush. Now life had to go back to normal. No more airplanes. Or actually a whole bunch of airplanes, but the completely normal kind. After the big show, a tour was coming up, and so airplanes were going to be a natural part of Kris’s day. And so was Kai. That felt reassuring. At least Kris would still get to see him every day. It might be awkward at first but it would get better with time. As long as this wasn’t a goodbye Kris could live with the consequences. At least that’s what he thought to himself getting ready for work.

That day Kris decided to participate in the training again. Having been gone for so long, it was even more difficult than normal to keep up. The others had already finished a lot of the preparations and coming in to join at the last second felt like a douche move. Kris wished that he wasn’t so clumsy at least. If it had been Sehun or Lay getting sick they would have caught up in a matter of hours. But Kris wasn’t skilled enough to pull off such a feat. He needed time and patience and a lot of practice. Now that wasn’t possible and Kris felt more like a burden than ever before.   
What was worse, Kai was completely ignoring him. He hadn’t even said good morning, and when they got into the cars, Kai had purposefully chosen the one furthest from Kris. This was pretty much exactly what Kris had imagined would happen, but he had not anticipated the pain that followed with it. After all that had happened Kris hadn’t expected Kai to all out reject him; neither had he thought that Kai would give him a smile and say good morning. But now Kai was acting like Kris didn’t even exist. Suddenly a goodbye didn’t seem like the worst thing anymore. Having to watch Kai go about his day like nothing had happened, and like Kris was no one at all, was worse.   
Yesterday Kai had fallen asleep in his arms. Kris now realized that deep down he had hoped that that meant something to Kai. Of course it didn’t. Kai had just been exhausted after all of that… whatever it had been. Which had only really happened because Kris had insisted on it. Thinking back he remembered how confused and reluctant Kai had looked. Of course he had been; Kai wasn’t gay. He had to remember that. Just because Kris was finding these sides of himself right now, didn’t mean Kai also was. Sure he had been turned on and all that. But who wouldn’t react if they all of a sudden were given a blowjob? Poor Kai was so young. Maybe he’d never even experienced anything like it before. Of course his curiosity would get the better of him. That didn’t make him gay. Kris thought about how he would have felt if he on a whim, let’s say while being really drunk, had ended up sleeping with a gay dude; if he hadn’t been gay himself of course. He would have probably been super embarrassed and scared that someone would find out. He would have probably also worried that the gay guy would take it the wrong way. Maybe that’s what Kai was feeling now. Maybe he should talk to him about it, clear things up. But what would he say? He had already confessed, so there really was no way to sugarcoat it now; no way to go back. And somehow he didn’t feel like he wanted to either. A part of him still felt like Kai deserved the confusion he was feeling. After all the confusion he had put Kris through by not even rejecting him properly; wasn’t it only right that Kai got a taste of his own medicine? Still, being ignored in this way was beginning to wear him down. If the situation didn’t change he would have to do something. It wasn’t worth making Kai suffer if Kris had to suffer with him, especially not this much. He must be suffering more than Kai right now. That wasn’t fair either. But what could he do about it? Wouldn’t any attempt at making it better only make it worse?  
“Kris, are you slacking off?” It was Xiumin that interrupted his thoughts. Kris must have lost his focus again. It had been happening all morning, not really making things easier for him to catch up with the others.   
“No, sorry! I’m just not sure what comes next”, Kris answered and tried to not show how guilty he was feeling inside. He really couldn’t be spacing out right now. He needed to try his best and more if he was to learn all the details before the show.   
“Look, I’m sorry hyung, but we don’t have time to stop and teach you the moves every time you get confused”, said Suho. “We need to finish preparing the camera angles and other details before the rehearsals on Thursday. Maybe it’s better if you just follow along as best you can for now, and then one of us can stay behind and give you extra practice later.”  
Kris had to agree. He was hating this, but it was the only way to not delay their schedule. He would have to work extra all the way up to the show. The worst part was that someone else would have to work extra too. He just prayed that it would be Lay. At least he was patient, and he didn’t know that many people in Korea so it wouldn’t infringe too much on his social life. But of course, if he was unlucky, the person Suho would choose would be…  
“Kai, why don’t you stay behind today and help Kris-hyung out with the choreography?” said Suho with the kind of authority in his voice that he rarely used, and that they all knew meant there was no way to turn him down. Kai for a second looked like someone had killed his favorite goldfish. Then he recovered himself and answered “Yes, hyung.”  
“Good”, said Suho. “You did such a good job with all of us last time. I’m sure he will learn the dance in no time.” Nobody else seemed to share this sentiment, and Kris gave Kai an apologetic look. Kai just looked down at the floor, and tried to avoid the gleeful stares of Chen and Chanyeol, who obviously loved the idea of Kai getting extra work that day. Maybe they had been afraid that he would try and get them to buy him dinner.   
“Alright, now that that’s settled, let’s start again”, said Suho with a loud voice. “From the top!”

Kris didn’t know what to say to Kai once the two of them were left alone. He had pretended to need a bathroom break to delay the inevitable, but in the end he knew he would have to face him. As he stepped into the room he reminded himself that he had nothing to expect. Kai had ignored him all day. It was better to keep it that way and just pretend like nothing had happened and be professional. It was his fault they were both in this situation after all. Better to practice effectively and then go home. No need to prolong their suffering. Kris got into position and waited for the music to start.   
“Hyung” Kai came up to him with a worried expression. Kris looked into his shining eyes and felt his heart jump. Was that pity? Concern? Was he finally getting his rejection? Either way he was not having it. Not now.   
“Let’s just practice and get this over with!” he said stoically and turned to look into the mirror. “Play the music!”  
But Kai didn’t budge. He stood there and kept looking up at Kris. Why was this happening now? They really needed to practice. If Kai said it now, did he realize they would be stuck with one another afterwards? That they would still need to be alone in this room? To keep practicing together? If he was going to break Kris’s heart couldn’t he at least wait until after practice? That way Kris could at least escape once the deathblow had been dealt.   
“Hyung, are you okay?” said Kai carefully. “After yesterday, I was worried.”  
Kris spun around and just stared at him. He didn’t know what to say. Was _he_ okay? For a while this morning he had worried about Kai, and now here Kai was, asking if _he_ was okay. Why? He hadn’t been the one to like girls, yet be blown by a guy last night? How did Kai always manage to pull the rug from under his feet? Kris was the hyung. How come no matter how hard he tried he never seemed to be in charge? Yesterday had been _his_ moment, with him behind the wheel. He couldn’t let Kai steal that from him.   
“You’re not supposed to worry about me”, he finally managed to answer. “I’m the hyung, I’m supposed to worry about you”. He was pretty pleased with that answer. It sounded really cool, confident and it gave him a chance to find out what was going through Kai’s head. “Are you okay?” he added, just to be on the safe side. No way to dodge or misunderstand that question.   
“I think so”, said Kai but his face wasn’t all too convincing. Crap. Kris had been right to worry this morning. Kai was obviously struggling to make sense of the situation.  
 Whatever there was to make sense of? Kris liked Kai. Kai didn’t like Kris. How could that be difficult to understand? Though panicking after getting a blowjob from a dude wasn’t so weird, even if Kai had himself to blame for that one. And all the rest of it too, now that Kris thought about it. All of this had only happened because Kai hadn’t been man enough to hurt Kris’s feelings and properly reject him. Maybe that’s what his current struggle was too? How to tell Kris that he wasn’t into guys? On the one hand Kai didn’t deserve any help with it. If he made a mess he should also learn how to clean it up. On the other hand, how long could this go on before it drove Kris insane?  
“You don’t need to worry about yesterday”, Kris said trying to sound calm and confident. “It was fun, but now that it’s over, let’s just move on and focus on practicing okay?”  
Somehow this didn’t seem to make Kai any less concerned. He was still looking up at Kris with those big, worried eyes as if trying to understand something profound. Finally he said:   
“Yesterday was for fun?” This interpretation hadn’t really crossed Kris’s mind. Sure he said it had been fun, but he didn’t mean it like that. He had assumed that he’s passionate confession and desperate kissing had been enough to make it clear that fun was far from the whole truth. Then again, why should Kai even care? Why should Kris have to constantly prove his feelings when Kai was so vague about his own? That wasn’t fair. This time Kris was going to be in charge. He was going to set the conversation. And he wasn’t going to put himself out there again. Not as long as Kai wasn’t willing to.   
“What, does that disappoint you?” Kris said in a teasing voice. He took a step closer to Kai. “Did you think I was trying to make you my boyfriend or something? Here’s a clue: gays don’t usually date straight guys! Or maybe you’d like to switch team?” He leaned in close to Kai’s face. “In that case I could show you a real fun time.”  
Kai looked at him with wide eyes. He obviously hadn’t expected Kris to be so forceful. This made Kris very happy. The ball was back in his court, he was behind the wheel, and finally Kai was showing some emotion. He stretched out a hand to touch Kai’s cheek, smiling suggestively at him. This was the deathblow. He was finally going to make Kai confess to his true feelings.   
“How about it?” he said with a confident sneer. “Would you make your hyung real happy? Would you be my boyfriend?”  
Kai was staring into his eyes like he was being hypnotized, like Kris was the big cobra and Kai the little mouse, caught in the trap, waiting for that lethal bite. Kris stretched out his left hand and pinched one of Kai’s butt cheeks. Kai jumped about half a meter in surprise. As he took a step back and started rubbing his behind Kris started laughing. It was a loud booming laugh; the laugh of the cobra, or maybe the lion, knowing that it had won.   
“Don’t worry!” he said while smiling at Kai. “I won’t touch your precious butt.” Then he turned his face stern and leaned close to Kai’s face again. “And I won’t let anyone else touch it either. I told you to protect yourself, even from me, but clearly you’re not man enough for the job. Looks like you need hyung’s help to do it.” Laughing again he walked outside the room to refill his water bottle.   
Outside in the hallway, he took a deep breath and felt the success pour over him. It had been difficult, but he had managed to keep it together. At least this way they would never end up in that situation again. That stung a little, but Kris knew it was for the best. This way they would be able to stay in each other’s lives without it driving them both crazy. Kai would stay at a distance from now on. He would never let Kris that near again. There was both so much pain and relief in that thought.   
Kris took another deep breath. He knew this was the only way for him not to hurt anymore. He had to keep Kai at a distance, and now he had succeeded. That was enough for now. He could cry later. But now he needed to practice. He refilled his water bottle and returned to the practice room.  
When he came back, Kai was still standing in the middle of the floor frozen in place. His hand kept rubbing his butt and his eyes were staring into the distance. Suddenly Kris felt guilty. Had he scared him too much? But he needed to learn, didn’t he? Everyone wouldn’t be as careful and understanding as Kris was. At least this way Kai wouldn’t wander into a real cobra’s nest some day. Kris could only imagine what some hyungs would have done in his situation. All the things one could do with such a cooperative and flexible dongsaeng. Though now was not the time to think of such things. He needed to snap Kai out of his trance and get him to start dancing. There really wasn’t much more he could do right now. Kai needed to feel that burn, otherwise he would never learn to defend himself.   
Kris walked up to the sound system and put on the song they were supposed to practice. That seemed to wake Kai up. He looked around and when Kris walked out on the floor and took his position, Kai backed away and watched his movements from a distance. As soon as Kris got stuck on any part of the dance Kai would dance that part in front of him and let him imitate. But this time Kai didn’t touch him. He kept a proper distance between himself and Kris, and he never turned his back on him. It seemed like Kris’s plan had worked.

Once they finished Kris drove them both home in his car. It was already late, and the other members had gone out to eat. Kris and Kai hadn’t eaten anything, but the thought of going out to eat together didn’t seem to tempt either of them. Instead they stayed in; Kris made some sandwiches and Kai some cereal. They ate silently and afterwards Kris cleaned up their dishes. When he had just finished he received a text from Suho: “Staying out late. Taking members to noraebang. Reward for working so hard. If you’re not too tired you are welcome to join. Otherwise, see you tomorrow. ^^ Sleep well!” Kai’s phone had beeped too. It seemed like he’d gotten the same message. They looked up at each other, and seemed to think the same thing. They were both too tired to go out, which meant they were stuck with each other.  
Kris had felt somewhat responsible for the bad mood, even though what he’d done had been necessary. Now he felt guilty for ruining Kai’s night as well.   
“I can drive you to the others if you want”, he said quietly.   
“That’s okay hyung, I think I’m too tired for noraebang”, said Kai with a polite smile on his face. If there was anything you could count on, it was Kai still smiling despite everything. His ability to seem unaffected by difficult situations really was irritating. Of course that was also what had gotten them into this mess in the first place. Kris tried not to think of that, and instead decided to make the evening as nice for the both of them as possible.   
“Okay, then I think I’ll go watch a movie in my room. Just knock on the door if you need anything”, he said and left the room. Giving Kai some time alone was probably the only decent thing he could do right now.  
But Kris had just turned on the movie when he heard a soft tapping on the door, and it slowly creaked open.   
“Hyung”, Kai said carefully as he entered the door. Kris couldn’t help but wonder at where this kid got his courage from. If it had been Kris, he would have been on the other side of the apartment hiding right now. Didn’t Kai remember what had happened the last time he visited Kris’s room like this? Kris sure did, and the memories were hard to ignore now that Kai came in and peered at him with those curious eyes under long lashes.  
“Do you need my help with something?” Kris asked, trying to sound as calm and nonthreatening as possible. It obviously needed to be something important for Kai to risk coming into his room like this. It was best not to scare him away then. In the end Kris was still his leader and hyung, and he needed to be there for his dongsaeng.   
“I was just wondering… Or well…” Kai came a bit closer even though his eyes were dashing all over to avoid eye contact. “Hyung, I’m confused!” he finally said, and then he looked straight into Kris’s eyes. “Hyung, you said you liked me. Then you said it was just for fun. Then you said you wanted me to be your boyfriend. Then you said you were only teaching me to protect myself. Hyung, I don’t understand! What do you want with me?” The determination in Kai’s eyes was fierce. It was the same eyes he had when he was dancing, all focus and strength. He wasn’t a worried dongsaeng anymore; he was a man. Somehow that made Kris’s heart beat even faster. He had always known Kai could be this strong. When he thought back, this had been the thing that attracted him in the first place; the strong Kai; dancer Kai; the man that looked gracious and tender, but was in full control of every muscle, every motion. This was the man that had taken his breath away; a man, not a boy. And now he owed this man an explanation.   
“I’m sorry, I understand this must be confusing and frustrating”, he said, trying to sound calm. There was no point in lying. He had already tried that, and he now knew he would come back to this situation again and again as long as he kept dodging the question. It was better to just lay it all out there. That way Kai could reject him properly and this would all be done with.   
“So explain it to me, hyung”, said Kai, and now his eyes looked trusting again, calm and patient. Maybe there was a sort of bravery in that too. It wasn’t all about pure force. Maybe being open and accepting and calm could be a kind of strength as well. It certainly was more than Kris had been able to muster during these last few days.   
“There isn’t much to explain”, Kris finally said. “I like you; it’s that simple. I like you a lot. And I know that liking a guy might seem weird to you, but this is how it has turned out. I don’t know why but I can’t help it. I like you. I really, really like you.” It felt like such a relief to get to say it like that, over and over. Before, he had said it so forcefully, like he was pushing it on Kai, always struggling to stay in power. It was a whole different thing to say it this calmly. There was nowhere to hide. It was terrifying, but also thrilling. And now that he was saying it, he realized it was also what he had needed. He needed to be honest, with Kai but also with himself. Kai seemed to be listening, even though Kris didn’t dare to look at him now. Suddenly the room felt very, very warm. And still it had to be said. And so he continued:   
“It wasn’t all for fun. I really just wanted to be with you. I wanted to be near you. I wanted you to like me too.” He sighed. The next part was going to be the hardest, but it needed to be said. “I think deep down I was hoping that if I could make you feel something, anything, I might make you consider being with me…as my boyfriend.” He could feel his cheeks burning now. He hadn’t dared to look at Kai while talking, but now that he had finished he couldn’t help but sneak a peek. Kai was staring at him with his eyes wide and his cheeks burning red. Shock was written all over his face. He clearly hadn’t expected this answer, and now that it had been given to him he didn’t seem to know how to handle it.   
Neither did Kris. Now that the relief of telling the truth had passed, all that was left was burning cheeks and a soaring feeling in the pit of his stomach. Waiting for Kai to react was agony, torment, misery. It never seemed to end. And yet, these few seconds would probably be the last he had of clinging to any kind of hope of them being together. A part of him wanted Kai to just stand there staring forever. That way at least they could be embarrassed and scared together.   
“Hyung”, Kai broke the silence, and spoke carefully. “What is it like to date a guy? What do you do?” As he said it he seemed to calm down, though his cheeks were still burning red. His eyes stopped staring and turned soft and innocent. They seemed to somehow glimmer and Kris thought his heart would explode. Hope was buzzing through his entire body, even though he was urging it to stop. He tried to remind himself of how impossible such a relationship still was. _Kai isn’t gay_ , he thought. _Kai isn’t gay._ With as calm a voice as he could muster he tried to give his answer:   
“I’ve never dated a guy before so I wouldn’t know”, he said. “But I guess it would be like any other kind of dating. You go out together, watch movies, eat dinner, drink coffee, hold hands, hug; kiss.” Saying that last word made his cheeks burn with renewed intensity. He looked up at Kai, but Kai’s eyes were turned somewhere else, as he seemed to consider what his hyung had just told him. Absentmindedly Kai sat down next to Kris on the bed. After a short pause he finally gave his verdict:   
“That doesn’t sound so difficult.” He looked at Kris and flashed him a big smile. “I think I could do that. Hyung, that would make you happy, right?”  
For a second it did. Kris’s heart was leaping back and forth so hard that he thought he might suffocate and die. The warmth was spreading in waves, forming a ball at the center of his stomach. He didn’t know how to handle it all. And then that last part sunk in. _Hyung, that would make you happy, right?_ That wasn’t quite right was it? Kai shouldn’t be doing it for Kris’s sake. Of course it would make him happy, but only if it also made Kai happy. Kai wasn’t just some puppy he could adopt. He wanted Kai to like him back. How could he make Kai understand?   
“You shouldn’t do it for me”, he finally managed to squeeze out. A part of him was cursing loudly inside his head. He had the chance to be with the guy he liked, and now he was going to ruin it all. Why? Because it was the right thing to do? And yet he continued:   
“Is this what would make _you_ happy? Do you like me that way? Enough to date me?”  
“I like you, hyung!” said Kai and smiled broadly. Heart melting, brain boiling. _Keep breathing_. It was complete meltdown. _Stay strong_. The warm ball was all the way up his throat now. But he still had to make sure this was right. Somehow accepting that Kai liked him that way was difficult. Why didn’t Kris feel like he could trust Kai to give an honest answer? He felt like he would have to test Kai somehow.   
“So if I kissed you right now, you would actually kiss me back?” he said bravely.  
Kai smiled: “Of course, hyung!”  
That didn’t make it better. Why didn’t it make it better?! Maybe because he wanted more? Would he dare to ask for more?  
“There are also other things that boyfriends usually do”, he said hesitantly. “Things like the stuff we did last night.” As he said it he could feel his cheeks begin to burn again.  
Kai looked a bit less happy now. His face turned more focused, like it was something he needed to seriously consider before accepting. Finally he said: “That should be alright”.  
Kris’s heart took another leap. He couldn’t be serious? Kai was going to let him do _that_? Again?!   
“You shouldn’t just say so to make me happy”, Kris blurted out. He couldn’t help it. It all seemed too good to be true. “I might want to do other stuff too”, he added. “Stuff you’re not comfortable with. I need to know that you will be honest and tell me when I’ve crossed the line, okay?”  
“Okay, hyung!” said Kai, and he had the same face as when he had been told to protect himself. Somehow that made Kris trust him even less. He had to make sure Kai knew what he was getting into.     
“I mean it!” Kris said sternly. “In those situations I’m not your hyung and you’re not my dongsaeng. We are equals!”  
“Yes, hyung!” Kai said with the same enthusiasm, and Kris could feel his heart plummet. This interrogation technique was never going to work. Kai would answer whatever he thought Kris wanted to hear. Better to start slow and see where it took them. Hopefully Kai really would protest if Kris went too far.  
Kris leant forward and kissed Kai carefully on the mouth. To his surprise he could feel Kai’s lips puckering in response. Kai was kissing him back!  
And what a difference that made. Kris could feel his entire body shiver, all the way out to his fingers and toes. The warm, happy feeling was suffocating him. It was so intense he wanted to run and hide, yet at the same time he didn’t want it to ever stop. He stretched out his hands and pulled Kai closer. Kai followed his lead and as they approached each other on the bed, their kisses became deeper and more intense. When they finally broke away from each other, Kris could see spots dancing in front of his eyes. His chest was heaving and he was sure that if he were to try and stand up he would fall over.  
Kai was also breathing faster now. He smiled and actually seemed to be enjoying himself. This made Kris very happy. No, very happy didn’t cover it. Making Kai happy was the only thing that mattered now. Kris was going to make it his new mission in life. After having seen this, other things seemed pretty pointless.   
And so he leaned in again for another kiss. Kai followed and soon they were lying with their arms around one another, kissing on the bed. Kris was in heaven. Kissing a guy wasn’t that different from kissing a girl. Kai let Kris take the lead and allowed himself to be pulled into Kris’s arms and mouth. Kris could feel the warmth of Kai’s tongue against his, and the sweet tickling sensation sent shivers down his arms and back.  He ran his fingers through Kai’s soft hair and felt like the luckiest guy in the world.   
“Hyung”, Kai whispered in between breaths, but he did not seem to want to stop. Which was lucky because Kris seriously doubted he could stop. The happiness was going to his head, and he felt like he wanted to take Kai outside and kiss him in front of everyone that cared to watch. He wanted everyone to see. There were always some fans waiting in the street outside their dorm. He wanted to open the windows and shout at them to come upstairs. This was what they all fantasized about wasn’t it? Two of the members hooking up? Well, now was their chance. Now they could see it happen in real life.   
Of course, a thing like that would be crazy, but Kris felt crazy. And if he couldn’t share this moment with anyone he would at least save it for himself. He broke away from the kiss and started searching the nightstand for his phone. Kai looked surprised but didn’t say anything. Finally, Kris held up the phone in front of them and turned on the camera app.   
“I want something to remember this by later”, he said and smiled at Kai. “That way when I’m far away in China, at least I’ll know that it was real.”  
Kai just smiled and nodded, though worry did seem to flash through his eyes. Kris didn’t care. He knew how to be responsible with his phone. And he wasn’t going to show it to anyone. Just knowing that he could if he wanted to, was enough of a comfort. Of course that would never happen, but at least now he had the choice. He stretched out and kissed Kai on the lips as he pressed the button and the flash went off. Then he threw the phone back on the nightstand and turned his attention to Kai, who was waiting patiently by his side.  
There were too many clothes separating them. If Kai really wanted to be his boyfriend, then getting closer shouldn’t be a problem right? Kris reached out his hands and started pulling Kai’s t-shirt off. Kai quickly got the point and lifted himself up so as to make it easier. Then he helped Kris out of his t-shirt too. Now they were lying there, side by side on Kris’s bed, bare-chested and blushing. Still it was a happy kind of blushing.   
Kris felt that as the hyung he needed to take the first step. He carefully stretched out his hand and ran it along Kai’s torso. Kai shivered from his touch, and Kris could feel how his nether regions instantly sprang to life. He felt even more self-conscious than before, but Kai didn’t seem to notice. Instead Kai had closed his eyes and as Kris kept rubbing his hand over Kai’s chest and abs, Kai let out a small, happy sigh. Kris could feel the hairs on his arms and legs stand on end, as the sigh washed through him. So this was what life could be like?   
Spurred on by the success of the sigh, Kris let his hand move downwards, as he leaned in to kiss Kai’s neck. Kai’s muscles were tensing and flexing, making Kai’s dancer body even more visible. It was such a beautiful sight, like a dance in and of itself. Kris’s hand was creating ripples all along Kai’s chest and stomach. It was like he was playing the world greatest instrument. Kai sighed again and Kris’s body tensed in anticipation.  
He kept kissing Kai’s skin, and Kai began to lean his head back, stretching his neck. Kris could feel Kai’s pulse beating through the soft skin against his lips. It was so fast, and the skin was beginning to get rosy and flushed with blood rushing up to Kai’s head. Or maybe it was rushing downwards, towards Kai’s…? Kris blushed but still ventured a peek downwards, and he had been right; there was a definite bulge under Kai’s pants. This made him smile sheepishly. Kai was definitely reacting for the right reasons this time. And he would make it worth Kai’s time.  
Kris stretched his hand further down and in under the edge of Kai’s pants. Kai’s eyes fluttered in surprise, but he didn’t do anything to stop Kris. Instead he lay quite still, as if scared that moving would break the spell and make Kris stop. Like that could ever happen. Kris would do anything to please Kai; suck that cock to the end of times if he had to. But using his hands was a good start. He carefully cupped Kai’s crotch, and as he did Kai sharply gasped in surprise.   
“Are you okay?” Kris asked, just to make sure.  
“Yes, hyung”, Kai whispered. The smile was gone this time. Getting felt up was obviously too serious for smiles. Still the answer was enough to give Kris confidence in taking the next step. He kept massaging Kai’s crotch with his hand. At the same time he used his free hand to start unbuttoning Kai’s pants. As he carefully pulled them down, Kai lay perfectly still staring at the ceiling. The underwear also came off, and Kris began to work Kai’s cock harder. He leaned down and let his mouth help out. This time he felt more confident about what to do. It had worked last time hadn’t it?  
And it was working this time too. Kai had grabbed the sides of the bed as his body had begun to shake and shiver. He was losing control, breathing heavily and letting out low squeals and moans in between gasps for air. The sweat was beginning to gather on his skin. His body shook this way and that, and with his full lips slightly parted he let out a loud moan, thrust his head back and came. Kris just had time to lift his head and watch the climax reflected on Kai’s face. How could this kid be so erotic and yet so innocently pure? Kris felt his entire body shiver with Kai, and reached up to kiss Kai’s lips. Kai halfheartedly kissed him back, clearly halfway to dead already.  
But that couldn’t be. Not this time. They were boyfriends now, and after seeing Kai driven to the edge, Kris wanted more. He needed more. But first Kai needed to be woken up. Kris grabbed him by the shoulders and kissed him passionately. As he did, he rolled and flipped them over so that Kai was sitting on top of him. The sudden movement did seem to wake Kai up, as his eyes became wide in surprise. What should he do next?  
Kai seemed to be contemplating the question as Kris kept kissing him longingly. Then he suddenly started giggling. Kris stared at him in confusion. Kai was blushing and turned his head away to avoid Kris’s gaze.   
“What?!” Kris asked.   
“Hyung, your chest is all messy” Kai murmured and looked up at Kris smiling sheepishly. Kris looked down at his chest and realized Kai was right. In the heat of the moment he had let Kai come all over his torso. The sticky warm feeling was now beginning to become a cold and slippery dilemma. Kai giggled again, and Kris couldn’t help but smile as well.   
“Don’t worry, hyung”, Kai said smiling. “I’ll clean it up.” He grabbed the sheet and began to wipe Kris’s chest. It was a nice feeling. Kai’s hands made warm circles over Kris’s skin and soon it was nice and dry again. Kai smiled down at Kris and his eyes twinkled. Kris could feel the warmth spreading through his chest again. He was the luckiest guy in the world to get to see that smile this close up. Without thinking he pulled Kai into a hug. They lay there skin to skin; Kai in Kris’s arms, and life was smiling at them both. Then Kai whispered:   
“Hyung, are you happy?”  
“Yes”, Kris sighed. Of course he was. How could he not be, having Kai this close?  
“But hyung, you didn’t get anything!” Kai pointed down at Kris’s crotch. Right, Kris had forgotten.   
“That’s okay”, he said happily, and he really meant it. Having made Kai happy, having Kai in his arms, making Kai giggle and smile, that was all that mattered now. Still Kai didn’t seem to agree:   
“But hyung, that’s not fair. Not after you did that for me”. Kai seemed genuinely upset.   
“You don’t have to do anything”, said Kris calmly. “We talked about this before didn’t we? You should only do things you are comfortable doing. It’s not about being fair.”   
“But I want hyung to be happy”, Kai said, still seeming upset.   
“I am happy!” Kris said and smiled. It was true. He was happier than he’d been in a long time, maybe ever. Kai cared about him. He was in his arms. That was all he could ever wish for.   
“No hyung, it’s not fair,” Kai said sternly. He was getting that focus back, and his eyes sparkled with determination. “Hyung said to do what I want, and this is what I want. I want to make hyung happy, and so I will.”   
With those words Kai climbed off of Kris and started pulling Kris’s pants off. Kris didn’t really know what to do. In fact there wasn’t much he could do. Despite being smaller and younger, Kai had always been stronger than Kris. Now all Kris could do was to look on in surprise and giddy panic, as Kai stripped him completely naked and then leaned down to fondle his crotch. The mere idea of Kai touching him that way sent blood rushing through his body, and soon he was sweating and gasping like a stranded fish. Kai didn’t seem faced by the situation at all. He got to work with a clear purpose in mind, and calmly yet resolutely continued to work towards that end. He used one of his hands to lightly touch Kris’s torso and thighs, and at the same time he held Kris’s cock in a firm grip with his other hand. Using his body, controlling every muscle, was Kai’s expertise. Now he was using that knowledge to drive Kris insane. Every time Kai slightly shifted his grip, Kris would lose his breath completely. Finally Kai started moving his hand in a slow but steady rhythm. He leaned down and kissed Kris’s stomach and upper thighs. Kris’s entire body was vibrating uncontrollably. It was so warm! His skin must be boiling. Then Kai opened his hand and gave Kris’s cock one long lick all along its shaft. As he reached the head and plunged it into his mouth, it was too much to bear. Kris’s cock exploded in warm love and his heart ran around his entire chest as if doing a victory dance. All the muscles of his body joined in the praise; a love song for Kai. His mind went blank and there was nothing but bright, white light and that warm, cramping dance that sent his body into heaven and his mind into outer space. _Warm love._   
Kai quietly cleaned him up again, and then lay down next to him, snuggling up with his head on Kris’s chest. Kris reached out his arms and held Kai even closer. He could feel Kai’s warm breath on his skin. In that moment he loved Kai more than anything else; more than life itself. Kai was everything that was important. Everything he could ever need. He was everything, period.   
“Hyung, are you happy?” Kai murmured sleepily.   
“Yes”, Kris answered softly. “Are you?”  
“Mmh”, Kai answered and snuggled into Kris chest. “I’m always happy when I’m with you, hyung.”   
Kris fell asleep smiling.

\---

When Kris woke up there was a lot of noise. And shouting, someone was definitely shouting. Were they shouting at him? Confused he reached around and realized he was still in bed. And he was naked. Why was he naked? He slowly opened his eyes and saw a blur of movement through the door that was halfway opened. Outside Kai was standing and waving his arms around. He also seemed to be naked, even though he was covering himself up using a sheet. Kris’s sheet. That was when Kris remembered. Panic spread through his body like wildfire. The members must have come home to find Kris and Kai naked in bed together. Kris quickly sat up and started putting on some pants. He could feel the adrenaline pumping now. This couldn’t end well.  
He could hear the members yelling. Suho, Tao and Kai were yelling the loudest.   
“You can’t be dumb enough to not know what you did wrong!” Tao yelled.   
“I didn’t do anything wrong!” Kai countered. He was angry now, which was unusual to see.   
“Of course you did!” Tao yelled back.   
“You have to know you did”, Suho added, a bit more calmly. “This kind of thing can’t happen.”   
“Why not?” said Kai stubbornly. “Just because you can’t understand it?”   
“It’s unnatural”, Tao protested.   
“Regardless of that, it’s too much of a risk”, Suho said. “What if someone found out? Or what if someone got hurt?”  
“It’s weird”, Tao added. “Especially if you do it in the dorms.”   
“I have to agree there”, Chanyeol said. “Walking around the dorm, not knowing if people are having sex in their rooms, it could get very uncomfortable.”   
“And the risk”, Chen said. “What if the managers had found out? Or the supervisors? What if the stylist had come back with us?”   
“You have to understand that we are concerned”, Suho added.   
Kris didn’t know what to do. Out there Kai was defending their relationship all on his own. But as he was listening, Kris knew that the others were right. It was too great of a risk. They had all worked so hard to get to the point where they were now. He couldn’t be selfish and throw that all away for his own sake. He had been an idiot to think this would work. The happiness and Kai’s smile had made him blind. He had been obsessing so much over whether Kai wanted him or not that he had forgotten that it was all impossible anyway. What Kai wanted, and what he wanted, it didn’t matter. They had all known from the start that dating would be difficult. Of course that hadn’t changed just because the dating happened to be between members.  
Doing this would be to throw their careers down the garbage shoot. They had all sacrificed so much to get there. It would be cruel of Kris to make all those sacrifices be for nothing. If the others had to sacrifice so did he. With a heavy heart Kris left his room and joined the others. As he entered the living room, all the members turned silent and stared at him, anticipating his response. So did Kai, who now looked to his hyung for support. Those trusting eyes meeting his nearly killed him. He had sworn to himself that he would do anything to make Kai happy. Now instead he needed to break Kai’s heart. He could feel the tears sting his eyes as he cleared his throat and spoke:   
“I’m sorry for causing all this trouble. This is all my fault. I should have known better.”   
Kai was staring at him in hurt silence. Kris had to look away. He couldn’t face those eyes right now.   
“Hyung, did you really…? With Kai?” said Sehun, his cheeks blushing as he uttered the words.   
“Yes”, Kris answered, and he could see all the members exchanging looks of disapproval and shock. “I’ve been a bad leader and a bad friend. I have used my dongsaeng, broken your trust and I’m really sorry.”   
At those words Kai stormed out of the room. Many of the members looked after him, but no one dare to follow. Kris could feel his eyes burning, and his stomach felt like someone had given it a proper beating. He took a deep breath and looked up at Suho. He could feel a lump beginning to form in his throat. This was it. This would be the end of his happiness.  
Suho seemed to be contemplating what to do next. Kris knew there had to be consequences. If he had been the one to find members in a similar situation, he would have kicked them out on the spot. Risking the entire group’s future for your own selfish reasons was unacceptable. To let him stay in the group would be a mistake. After this he would only be a liability. He had ruined his relationship to the other members, and especially to Kai. How could anyone ever trust him as a leader again? And how could he stay around Kai knowing the pain he had caused them both? Whether he got kicked out or not didn’t matter after all. He was screwed either way, and it was his own fault. He should have known better.  
Now the only thing that remained was to save Kai. He had promised to do everything he could to make Kai happy. Now that ship had sailed, but he could at least run damage control. If he couldn’t make his own dreams come true in this place anymore, then maybe he could make sure Kai still had a chance. He knew how hard Kai had worked, how hard he was still working every single day, to be successful as a dancer and an idol. It would break his heart if he was the cause of all of that hard work going to waste. How could he live with himself if he was the one to crush Kai’s biggest hopes and dreams?  
“I’ll leave!” Kris said so firmly that it made all the members jump.   
“Maybe that would be for the best”, Suho said quietly. “This will take some time to process for all of us.”   
“It’s the right thing for the group”, said Kris plainly. “Honestly you are all better off without me; especially after I’ve missed so much practice. I will only slow you down.”   
“But hyung, you’ll come back after the show, right?” said Lay, with obvious concern in his voice.   
“No”, said Kris. “I won’t. You can’t afford to keep me around.”   
“What?!” The members seemed to find this hard to accept. They were starting to argue amongst themselves.   
“Why is hyung leaving and not Kai?” said Luhan, clearly thinking that Kris’s decision was a stupid idea.   
“Why is anyone leaving?” said Xiumin. “Can’t we just work this out?”   
Clearly, the members hadn’t understood what was going on. How could Kris stay, knowing what he had done to Kai? This had all been his idea after all. He had been the one to kiss Kai, over and over. He had been the one to confess. He had been the one to mention that they should date. It was all on him. All Kai had wanted was to make his hyung happy, and for a short time he had succeeded. Now Kris couldn’t let Kai burn for Kris’s mistakes. And he couldn’t stay around, knowing that he’d have to see Kai every day. He had to leave.   
“I can’t stay”, Kris said. The lump in his throat was getting worse, but he couldn’t cry. Not now in front of the members. He had to stay strong and in control. He had to make sure they didn’t feel sorry for him or blamed Kai. “I was the one to do this, so I should go. It would be wrong for me to stay as a hyung and leader, when we all know how badly I can’t be trusted. I think this whole thing just proves that.”   
“But I trust you hyung. Please don’t leave”, said Tao. Tears were forming in his eyes, and he seemed to be hoping this was all a dream. So did Kris. He hoped he would soon be woken up by Xiumin’s alarm clock and it would be time for practice; that the pain he was feeling, the aching through his entire body wasn’t real. But of course it was.   
Suho also seemed taken aback by Kris’s decision. He was scratching his head, clearly trying to think of a different solution. Finally he said:   
“It would be difficult to lead the group all on my own. I think you should reconsider. Having made this mistake once does not make you a bad leader. You can learn from this mistake.”   
“No, I can’t! Not here!” said Kris, this time with even more determination. “You guys don’t really know what’s been going on here recently do you?” Kris looked around the room, his eyes fierce. The members seemed to hesitate at this. Clearly Kris’s story had more to it. Kris continued:   
“How do you think Kai ended up in my bed? You think he just sleepwalked in there? Or maybe we were just having some drunken fun? Sex-deprived and desperate? Just two guys helping each other out for the night?”   
Nobody seemed to know what to say. Apparently they hadn’t thought that far. Now they were all staring at Kris, trying to figure out what he was saying. Kris could feel them all weighing the situation in their minds. It was now he needed to make it absolutely clear that this was all his fault and not Kai’s. He had to make sure they wouldn’t want him around.   
“I used him!” Kris said forcefully. “I tricked him to sleep with me! You all know how gullible and innocent he can be. He just wanted to make his hyung happy. And so he ended up in my bed, over and over again.” That last thing might have been an exaggeration, but it was needed to get his point across. At least it was true that it had happened more than once. “I’m not proud of it, but the fact is that I like cute boys like him. So maybe I’m not fit to be the leader of a group full of cute boys!”

Kris had packed his things in a hurry. He knew there was only a matter of time before Kai decided to come out of his room to hear the rest of the story. He didn’t want to stick around for that. He needed to get out of there as fast as possible. The rest of the members avoided him like the plague now. His message had been loud and clear, and whatever happened to him next seemed to be nobody’s concern as long as he kept far, far away from them.   
He was planning on staying at a motel for the time being. He had enough money to get by for a few weeks. That should give him plenty of time to set something up with a Chinese company. It would be hard to break his contract, but in the end he might be able to work it out. He wasn’t a complete rookie anymore, so it should be fine. The sooner he could start working again the better; anything to take his mind off what had just gone down. Maybe in time he would forget Kai’s smile and the happiness he had felt last night; a happiness that he didn’t think had even been possible until then. Turns out it still wasn’t.  
Kris was making his way to the car. Luckily he had bought one. How else would he been able to make it to a motel without getting recognized? He peered out through a window in the lobby. It was late at night and it was raining heavily, so the street outside was empty. Thank god. The last thing he wanted right now was to run into fans. How would they all take it, once they found out he was leaving the group? No, this wasn’t the time to think about that. He had to leave all that behind now. He wasn’t part of EXO anymore; he wasn’t part of SM; he wasn’t the idol Kris. He was nobody, just a regular person; a person who had just broken someone’s heart; a person who had loved and lost, and needed to move on. He thought about Kai’s smile. Then he pushed the door open and walked outside.

_The rain was pouring down, hitting the street with full force. It drowned out all other sounds, leaving nothing but a never-ending rhythm of splattering water. Time might as well have stood still, except time never stops moving. It moves along way too quickly, and once you’ve made up your mind there’s no going back. There’s only forward. Time won’t stop no matter how much you want it to, and right now he really wanted it to. If he could just stay there forever locked in time; never moving, never leaving, never moving on. But even though rain is something ancient, eternal, something of all ages and places, stable and constant, it is also the symbol for change. Rain means to be washed clean, a new beginning. Rain means moving on. And that is what he had decided to do. Moving on was what he had to do. As the rain poured down his face, he knew it was all over. It was too late to turn back now. He had left it all behind, burnt all his bridges, and now all he could do was to move forward. He took one last look at the house, sighed, and turned to leave. But as he turned around he saw something in the distance. Someone was standing on the other side of the street, silently staring at him. The rain was pouring down all around them, but the person didn’t seem to care. His face was instantly familiar, but the tears falling down his cheeks were something new and something so heartbreakingly beautiful, moving on seemed impossible. For a second it really did seem like time had stopped. Then the person spoke: “Hyung!”_

Kai spoke with the tenderest voice, instantly small and innocent:   
“Hyung, why are you leaving? Don’t you like me anymore?”   
Silly, stupid, beautiful Kai. How could he think such a thing? Tears kept streaming down his face, and every tear seemed to pierce Kris’s heart, stabbing it over and over again. It was a miracle he was able to hold it together and not start crying himself.   
Kai came towards him, slowly moving across the road as if he was afraid his hyung would run away if he got there too fast. Kris didn’t know what to say. He wanted to throw Kai into his arms and kiss him and tell him it would be alright. Tell him that he liked him and would like him forever, and care for him, and he didn’t need to worry about anything anymore. But of course that would be a lie. Kris wouldn’t be able to stay, no matter how much he wanted to; no matter how much Kai begged. It was all over now. The only way to protect them both, protect the group and give Kai a future was for Kris to leave. But how would he be able to make Kai understand that? Kai didn’t even understand how dangerous of a situation he had walked into. He didn’t see that in the end Kris could only cause him pain; that if they were to have a future in this business, they would have to stay apart. How could he explain that to innocent Kai, who always trusted his hyung and believed the best in people? He couldn’t.   
“I’m sorry”, that was all Kris could say, and he truly meant it. He turned, opened the car door and threw his stuff in the backseat. Before he could close the door, he felt Kai’s arms around his waist. They were holding him so tight, Kai’s head leaning on the back of his neck. He could feel the tears falling on his skin, even though it was already soaked by the rain. They were so warm.   
“Hyung, stay”, Kai whispered, barely loud enough for Kris to hear him over the splattering sounds of the rain. “Please, stay.”  
Kris couldn’t bear it any longer. He turned around and pulled Kai into his arms. They stood there holding on to each other, both shivering in the cold rain. Then Kris gently pulled Kai into the car and closed the door. Inside the car was a world for just the two of them; a tiny, cramped space with blurry windows surrounding them on every side. It was a place where no one could touch them; nothing outside seemed to matter.   
Kris leaned over and kissed Kai. He held Kai close and kissed him over and over again. Tears were beginning to stream down his face. There was no way to hold them back anymore. They just kept coming. As they mixed with Kai’s tears, their kisses became salty and wet. There was a sense of desperation to their kisses now; an urgency. Soon this could all be over. As they clung to each other, water from their clothes soaked the seats of Kris’s car, but Kris didn’t care. Instead he leaned backwards letting Kai climb on top of him. They began to move faster and faster, their bodies pressed together in a steady, rubbing motion.   
Then Kai started fumbling with Kris’s fly. That was enough to wake Kris from his trance. What was he doing? Wasn’t he supposed to leave? Kris grabbed Kai’s hands to stop him. He sat up, pushing Kai away. This wasn’t right. He shouldn’t be doing this. He glanced up at Kai’s face. Kai looked like a puppy which had just been kicked by its master. No difficulty in reading his feelings this time. He looked devastated. Kris sighed.   
“We can’t do this. It’s not right,” he said.   
Kai didn’t seem to understand what he meant. He just kept staring at Kris with eyes filled of pain. Kris knew he’d screwed up again. He shouldn’t have let Kai get to him. All along, Kris had been telling himself that he was trying to protect Kai. He had initially lied to Kai and denied his feelings. He had told himself that by acting that way he was teaching Kai to stand up for himself. Later he had scared Kai and said that it was to protect him from other dangerous hyungs. But the only one Kris was protecting was himself. If he was really protecting Kai he would have left him alone. The most dangerous hyung of all was Kris. He was the real killer cobra. How many times had he lured Kai into his nest, completely disregarding the consequences? Now he had to make sure Kai wasn’t hurt again. Kai would be better off as far away from Kris as possible.   
“You have to go”, Kris said. “You have to get back to the dorm.”   
“No!” Kai was getting upset now, not just hurt but properly angry. “I’m not going back up there and letting you leave. You’re part of this group. You belong with us. You belong with me. I’m not going up there without you.”   
“Yes, you are!” Kris said, using his best leader-voice. “I can’t go back, but you can. I already blew my chances. Don’t be a fool and blow yours too!”   
Kai just shook his head and shot Kris a determined look. Kris sighed. How could he make Kai leave?   
“The others will think you’re weird if you stay down here with me”, he said.  “Just leave already. Don’t be a stubborn brat!”   
“You’re the one who’s acting like a brat!” said Kai angrily. “Just leaving in the middle of the night, not even telling me why. Who does that? If you can’t give me a good enough reason for leaving then I won’t accept it. I won’t leave!”   
“Because I want to, that’s why!” Kris shouted. “I want to leave! And I want you to go back to the dorm!”   
“Why?!” Kai’s eyes were beginning to fill with tears again, but this time they were tears of frustration. He just couldn’t see why his hyung was being so stupid; why he would leave him behind. And there was no way Kris would be able to explain it either. Kris knew what he had to do, yet he hated himself for doing it.   
“You’re just a kid”, he said angrily. “How could you ever be enough for me? Run back home and let me move on with my life, okay?” Kai looked like Kris had just slapped him in the face. The tears that had been waiting in the corners of his eyes now started pouring down his face. Kris felt like throwing up.   
“Hyung, what did I do wrong?” Kai asked, his voice breaking with sobs.   
“You didn’t do anything wrong!” Kris said before he could help himself. Then he added: “Maybe you’re just too young and inexperienced for me.”   
“Hyung, give me another chance”, Kai pleaded. “I will do better this time. Please!” Then he seemed to make up his mind all on his own. He was going to show his hyung he could be a good partner. He leaned forward and started pulling off Kris’s shirt. Kris tried to struggle but it was pointless; Kai was stronger. Finally he gave in and let Kai have his way. Soon they were both shirtless, chest to chest, lying kissing in the backseat. Kai started undoing Kris’s fly and this time he didn’t fumble. He pulled down Kris’s pants and started stroking Kris, who gasped from the sudden touch. _This is so wrong_ was all Kris could think. _How do I get out of this?_   
What Kai wanted was to make Kris happy. But there had to be a limit to that, somewhere he was not willing to go. Kris had to make Kai stop, and perhaps that was the only way. He had to try.   
“Bend over”, he whispered to Kai. For a second Kai froze. It seemed to be working. Then Kai started pulling down his own pants and did indeed bend over. Kris was speechless. Was Kai really willing to go that far?   
“Don’t be an idiot!” Kris finally said. “I don’t want to hurt you.”   
“You won’t hurt me, hyung”, Kai said, though his voice didn’t sound too sure.   
“Please, just go home already!” Kris begged. He didn’t want to have to do it. This was going too far!   
“I’m not leaving, hyung!” said Kai, and once again he seemed stubborn and resolute. What was Kris going to do? He couldn’t very well push Kai out of the car with his pants down? And honestly, he didn’t think that he’d be able to anyway. Kris’s muscles were mostly for show, but Kai had real strength in his. And even if Kris did manage, Kai still wouldn’t give up. He would probably try to find Kris and end up ruining everything. Maybe this really was the only way to stop Kai. Kris hated it, but it was true. He needed to hurt Kai to drive him away.   
“Just promise you’ll tell me to stop if it hurts”, Kris said, and crawled down on top of Kai.   
“I will”, Kai whispered, but Kris could see the fear flashing through his eyes. Poor kid! Kris was officially the worst hyung in the world.   
“You can back out anytime you want”, Kris added with a voice as caring as he could manage. Maybe Kai would really change his mind before it was too late. But of course he didn’t.   
“I won’t back out” was the only reply Kai gave. He was too determined now for Kris to change his mind. And so Kris took a deep breath and slowly pushed himself into Kai. He could hear Kai squeal and immediately pulled out again.   
“Are you okay?” he whispered.   
“I’m fine”, Kai said with a shaky voice.   
“You’re obviously not fine”, Kris said with a concerned voice. “Let’s just end this now.”   
“No!” Kai said, and this time his voice wasn’t shaking. “I want to do this. Please hyung, keep going.”   
Kris sighed. This stupid, stubborn kid!   
“I don’t find it sexy to hurt you, you know!” he said. “Just run along home already.”   
“I’m not hurting hyung. I’m enjoying myself!” Kai said passionately. “Now, you said it was my choice. So don’t make it for me. Please hyung, keep going!” There was nothing Kris could do. He had to keep going. And so he did.   
This time Kai was very quiet. Clearly he was afraid that Kris would stop again if he didn’t seem to be fully enjoying himself. Kris was having the strangest experience of his life. On the one hand, his mind was telling him how wrong this was and how awful it felt to cause Kai this kind of pain. On the other hand, his body was having the best sex it had ever had, his cock riding into Kai’s perfect ass, giving him chills all over. It was all very overwhelming. Had it been under different circumstances, Kris would have been in heaven. Now he was struggling to make sense of it all.   
As he kept going, he felt his cock grow harder and harder. This must be making it worse for Kai. But Kai still didn’t budge. In fact he still wasn’t making a sound at all. If Kai didn’t back down, it would all be for nothing. He would have to make it worse, so he could end it as fast as possible. He had to make Kai realize what a horrible mistake this was.  
Kris grabbed Kai by the hips and started moving him in beat with his thrusts. Kai gasped but didn’t protest. As Kris kept moving faster and faster, Kai’s silence was inevitably broken. They were both gasping now, moaning and squealing, but for very different reasons. Finally Kai cried out: “Stop, please stop!”   
But Kris didn’t listen. He was so close now, only a couple of more thrusts and he would… Kris came and quickly pulled out of Kai. As he looked down on his dongsaeng, he could only see his back laying flat and still, shoulders trembling and face sobbing into the seat. What had he done? How had Kris managed to become an even worse hyung?   
Kris stretched out his hand and stroked Kai’s back. Kai instinctively shied away from the touch. Instead he slowly sat up and pulled his pants back up. As he looked over at Kris, his eyes were deep with sadness and pain. Kris had never seen him this way before. Kai: the shining star with the brilliant smile that had dazzled millions of girls. Now he was sitting broken in front of Kris, staring into the darkness at his hyung that he had thought could be trusted. Kai had learnt his lesson, and Kris felt like he wanted to die because of it. As Kai put on his shirt and left the car, neither of them said a word. When he had gone, Kris got into the front seat and drove off. But he’d only gone a few hundred meters, when he had to stop again, throw himself out of the car and vomit all over the sidewalk. Luckily no one was around to see his shame.

\---

The days passed and Kris didn’t do much at all. He spent his days force-feeding himself ramyun and staring at the wall of the motel. Sometimes he would turn the TV on, but it always showed something that reminded him of Kai. Romance, comedy, drama, thriller; it didn’t matter. As the blood of the serial killer’s first victim splattered the walls of the torture chamber, all he could think of was Kai’s pained expression right before he’d left. He had tortured Kai. Knowingly and on purpose. Was he insane? Had he completely lost his mind? Was he so perverted that he had actually raped a guy just because he had a nice ass? Kris didn’t know how to handle it all. How was he supposed to live with himself after this? There was only one way. Alcohol.

\---

When D.O. found him, he was lying on the floor asleep in a pool of his own vomit. Having been carried into the bathroom and cleaned up, he began to see things more clearly. From D.O.s point of view, this must all look really sad. Kris hadn’t showered for about a week, and he hadn’t shaved or changed his clothes either. The entire room stank of old beer, vomit, urine and sweat.   
“You missed the show”, was all D.O. had said before he started to spray him down with the cold water of the shower. Kris screamed from the sudden cold, but D.O. didn’t seem to care. He pushed Kris down into the bathtub, and began pulling all of his clothes off. Then he put the soap in Kris’s hands and told him to wash up.   
“I’m not going to do it for you”, he muttered. “I’m not perverted like you.” Even though that was a clear insult, there was something so reassuring about the way D.O. said it. Like he accepted the fact that Kris was a bad person, but still had decided to care about him. Somehow that gave Kris strength.   
After the shower D.O. dug out some clean clothes from one of Kris’s bag and threw them into his arms. As Kris was dressing, D.O. started cleaning up the trash in plastic bags, emptying old beer cans and picking up empty packages of instant ramyun. When Kris was done, D.O. threw him a roll of paper and told him to clean up the floor. Then he went to throw out the trash. When the room was finally clean, D.O. pulled out the little heating plate from under the sink, lit it up, and started to fry sausages and eggs in a pan he had apparently brought with him. When that was done he fried some vegetables, made toast and finally served it up to Kris on a big plate from the cupboard over the sink. Kris, who hadn’t eaten a proper meal for days, realized how hungry he was and ate it all with gusto. Then D.O. cleaned up, while Kris lay down on the sofa, stuck in a food coma. Finally, when everything else was done, D.O. sat down on the table opposite the sofa and looked at Kris expectantly.   
“Thank you”, was all Kris could muster. What else could he say that wouldn’t be redundant at this point?   
“You’re welcome”, said D.O. but kept staring at Kris with the same face, as in anticipation. When Kris didn’t say anything more, he frowned and then spoke:   
“You really love him huh?” he said plainly.   
There was only one answer that Kris could give him: “Yes”.   
“Then maybe you should just tell him that, instead of hiding out here making you both miserable”, D.O. said, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. Then he stood up to leave, but before he went out through the door, he turned and said: “Just watch the show, okay?” Then he was gone.

Kris fell asleep and only woke up once it was already dark outside. He had a soaring headache, and he badly needed to pee. When he had done so, he went to check the cupboards to see if there was any ramyun left. He was starving. In the cupboard above the sink he found a box of leftovers that D.O. must have left earlier. “No more ramyun hyung!” it said on a note taped to the lid. Fine, D.O. was right. He would have to sneak outside and buy some better food later. Right now he would feast on these leftovers and call himself lucky for having such a good friend.   
While eating he turned on his phone that had been turned off for the past few days. There were a millions messages and missed calls from all over. Many members, his mother, managers and supervisors had called. Nothing from Kai though. That hurt. But he guessed it was for the best.   
He didn’t have the energy to answer anyone right now. In the end, he still didn’t know what to tell them. Instead he turned on his browser and searched for the show as D.O. had suggested. There it was, already with millions of views. Apparently he had missed it by two whole days. He turned it on, but when he saw the members including Kai enter the stage, he couldn’t bear to watch it any longer. He turned it off. Maybe he would watch it later.   
It was still late, and he hadn’t had fresh air in a long time. He decided to take a walk around the area to clear his head. At this hour it should be fine. Maybe there was a store that was still open somewhere. Then he could get some food for the next day. He dressed with a mask and cap just in case, and left the room.

\---

The doorbell rang, waking Kris up from his slumber. He wondered if D.O. had come back to check that he really was eating a proper breakfast. Crawling out of bed, he rubbed his eyes and made his way over to the door.  
It wasn’t D.O., but a rather nervous looking Suho standing outside in full mask and cap. As Kris opened the door, Suho pushed his way inside and looked around the room to make sure they were alone.   
“Hello”, he said and looked up at Kris in a nervous kind of hesitation. Kris closed the door and replied:   
“Hello”. He didn’t know why Suho was there, but he guessed it had something to do with obligation and questions from management.   
“I tried calling you”, Suho said hurriedly. “You didn’t answer, so when D.O. said he had visited yesterday I figured I’d do the same.” He looked at Kris as if trying to read his thoughts, appraising the situation. “How are you?” he added with a calmer and more caring voice. Apparently Kris’s appearance had been enough to convince him of Kris being no immediate threat.   
“I’m… okay I guess”, Kris said, not really knowing what else to say. Suho just looked at him again with the same evaluating stare. Then he gestured for Kris to sit down with him on the sofa.   
As they sat down, Suho’s eyes seemed to wander the room, looking for clues of some kind. Finally he said:   
“D.O. told me of his visit”. He said it in a careful voice, treading lightly, maybe to avoid hurting Kris’s feelings. “From what he told me, you don’t seem fine at all.”   
Kris only stared into the wall. What was he supposed to say? That he was miserable? That he missed his old life; the members; Kai? What would be the point of that, now that he had already left?   
Suho seemed to notice his reluctance to answer, because he turned and started staring at the wall too. For a few seconds they sat like that, staring into nothingness, each with their own thoughts occupying them. Then Suho broke the silence again:   
“It’s been strange not having you around”, he said slowly. “The members keep asking if you’re ever coming back. And the press and fans have a lot of questions too of course.”   
“It must be hard on you, cleaning up my mess”, Kris said apologetically. “I’m sorry”. He meant it. Suho had always worked so hard at being a good leader and promoting the group. Now he probably had to spend most of his time running damage control. Trying to keep such a big secret from leaking out must be hard work indeed. Kris was sure Suho hadn’t even told the managers the whole truth. It would be too risky. He wondered what kind of strange lie they had come up with, explaining his departure. Leaving a group as successful as EXO; you’d had to have a very compelling reason for it.   
“You don’t have to worry about me”, Suho said. “But you should call your mother. She keeps calling me. She seems very worried about you.” When Kris turned to look at him, Suho added in a hurried voice:   
“I didn’t tell her what happened! I just told her you were taking some time off and I was sure you’d call her as soon as you were able to. That’s all I said.”  
“Thank you”, Kris murmered. He could feel his eyes starting to burn again, as tears started to form in the corners of his eyes. How would he be able to explain all this to his mother? How could he admit to her what he had done? If she found out, what would she say, knowing that she’d raised such a bad man; someone that would treat a dongsaeng so cruelly? What would she say, hearing that he had thrown away his future in EXO so casually? After everything she had sacrificed to give him this opportunity.   
“You could just call her without explaining it”, Suho said as if reading Kris’s mind. “I’m sure she just wants to know that you’re alive and well.”   
Kris thought about that. Maybe Suho was right. Maybe just calling her could be enough for now. The more he thought about it, not calling his mother was just plain selfish. He was putting her through having to worry all on her own. It was unfair that she should suffer for his stupidity. He decided to call her the minute Suho left. He might not be able to tell her what had happened yet but at least he could pretend to be alright and hope that calmed her down. He could tell her about leaving the group after he had a plan for what to do next.   
“Before you call her though, you might want to watch the show”, Suho said, and now he sounded worried, almost guilty. “D.O. said he told you to watch it already, but seeing that you haven’t called your mother yet, I’m guessing you still haven’t seen it.” Suho looked away for a few seconds and seemed almost flustered. “The members left you a message in the interview after. You should see it. They really meant it.” Suho paused and turned to look at Kris. “We all meant it”, he said and even though his cheeks were a bit rosy, his eyes looked kind and honest.   
While Kris was still trying to determine what that meant, Suho stood up to leave. He put his mask back on, and his cap. Then he turned to Kris one last time and said:   
“Please take care of yourself. And promise you’ll watch that show okay? I’ll call you again so make sure to answer your phone.” Then Suho hesitantly gave Kris a quick hug, said goodbye and left.   
Kris stood there staring at the door for a moment. Then he went back to the sofa and pulled out his phone. His curiosity had got the better of him, and now he had to know what the hell Suho was talking about. He searched for the show again and skipped straight to the end of the performances. He only had time to see Sehun wink at the camera and the audience clapping in approval, before the music stopped and the group made their way backstage. The MCs took over and were soon joined by the members in the studio set up next to the stage. After greetings and the standard compliments and questions for promotions, the MCs asked where Kris was. Kris could feel his stomach twist. He knew Suho would have to comment it somehow. On the screen in front of him, Suho smiled at the camera and told the fans not to worry.   
“Kris is spending some time tending to his mother who is sick. But she is recovering and we’re hoping he’ll be back with us soon”, he said and waved at the camera. “Hello Kris! I hope you liked the show. We’re all hoping for your mother’s quick recovery.” So that’s why Suho insisted on him calling his mother. She must be so worried, having to lie and pretend to be sick without knowing the reason why. Kris really needed to call her as fast as possible. But not before he’d finished watching the show.  
The rest of the members were all smiling and waving and as they passed the microphone around, took turns in telling Kris to come back home safely.   
“Take care of yourself, hyung! Remember to eat well!” said D.O. and smiled.   
“Hyung, we miss you. Come back soon”, said Lay and waved, showing deep dimples in his cheeks.   
“Kris-hyung, Anyeong! Don’t eat too much hamburgers and get fat while you’re gone”, said Baekhyun and smiled cheekily at the camera.   
Kris smiled to himself. The members hadn’t changed at all. Suho said they’d really meant what they said. Maybe they really did miss him. Although they couldn’t possibly miss him as much as he missed them. The tears in the corners of his eyes were back now, stinging and slightly blurring his vision. He had to blink several times before he could watch any more of the video.   
When he finally pressed play his heart made a little jump and his muscles tensed. The microphone had passed to Kai. Kai’s eyes had a bit of sadness in them as he took it and raised it to his mouth. As he began to speak he looked very serious. Nervousness crept around Kris’s chest, and his stomach felt even tenser than before. What was Kai going to say with that serious expression? Would he be able to lie and say that he missed Kris too?  
“I want to say something special”, Kai said and looked into the camera with those innocent yet focused eyes only Kai could manage. “Hyung has always been a great support to me. Before he left we had a misunderstanding. Even though I’m sure hyung has stopped thinking about it by now, I haven’t. I just want to say that I’m sorry. I hope that hyung will come back home to us soon so I can tell him I’m sorry in person.”   
As he was talking, the other members looked at him with sympathetic eyes. Chanyeol and Suho reached out their arms to pat his shoulders and head. He looked so fragile and small, and at the same time it must have taken a lot for him to say all that. Kris couldn’t help but feel impressed at Kai’s guts. How did Kai always find the strength to bounce back like that? Where did he find the courage to take such risks?    
Still, Kai wanting him to come back; the members wanting him to come back; that was all a little hard to believe. After the way he left it, how could they even consider such a thing? Still Suho had said that they all really meant it. And he seemed to have come all the way over here just to see how Kris was doing. So had D.O. Maybe they did really miss him; at least the members that weren’t Kai. That Kris would be forgiven by him seemed a little too good to be true. No doubt that kid was just very good at landing on his feet. That had to be it, right?  
The MCs of the show kept talking and asking questions for a long time, but Kris wasn’t paying attention anymore. Finally his own name caught his ear and he was forced to rewind the video.   
“We wish you luck on your upcoming tour”, one of the MCs said. The members bowed and thanked him. It looked like the interview was over. But the other MC wasn’t quite done yet:   
“Wait a second! Before you go, I’m sure our viewers are curious; Kai, you said that you had a misunderstanding with Kris. What was it about?”   
Kris swallowed hard and stared at the screen waiting for Kai’s answer. How would he manage to get out of this one? The other members also seemed a bit unsure as to what to do, and turned to look at Kai, seemingly ready to intervene at any moment. But Kai just smiled sadly and answered in a calm voice:   
“Hyung is older than me, and he’s always trying to protect me. At the time I didn’t understand why. I thought that I knew better and could take care of myself. I guess I wanted to feel grown up and make my own decisions. But I was wrong. Hyung was teaching me a very important lesson, but I was too stubborn to see it then. Most of all I feel sorry because I think that hyung blamed himself for the misunderstanding, when the big problem was me not listening. That’s why I’m apologizing now. Because I know I made him sad.”   
The MC nodded and smiled. She obviously knew she had hit gold.   
“You obviously care about your hyung very much”, she said with a loving voice. “What would you say to Kris if he was here right now?”  
“I would tell him that I love him”, Kai said, still with a serious face. “Hyung has taught me so much. He taught me that nobody can take care of themselves. We all need each other to live a good life. I’m lucky because I have many hyungs to help me and teach me. But I also try and help them when I can. That is why being in this group is like being part of a family. We take care of each other. Hyung taught me that. Right now our family is not complete because hyung is not here. I hope he comes back soon. Hyung, we miss you!” Kai made heart signs at the camera and smiled. The audience cheered and the members were clapping and patting Kai’s back. Then they once again thanked the MCs, waved goodbye and left.   
Kris just kept staring at the screen. What had Kai said? _I would tell him that I love him. I love him._ The words circled around Kris’s head. _Hyung, we miss you! Come back soon._ Kai loved him? And still wanted him to come back? After all that had happened? _I’m sorry. Because I know I made him sad._ How did Kai make Kris sad? How could any of this be Kai’s fault? Kris had been the one to mess up. Kris had been the one to lead Kai on and put ideas in his head. This made no sense. _I feel sorry because I think that hyung blamed himself…_ _when the big problem was me not listening._ Sure, Kai not listening had been part of the problem. But Kris blaming himself was not wrong. He was the hyung and he should have known better. Still. _I love him_.   
Kris rewound the video and watched it again; and again; and again. Every time Kai said that he loved Kris, and every time Kris’s heart made a leap up his throat. This couldn’t be real could it? Kai wouldn’t say it just like that on TV if it was real, right? Then again Suho had said…  
Before he had time to think about what he was doing, Kris had dialed Suho’s number. Even if it was meaningless at this point, he still needed to know. And this was the best way to find out. Suho would know. He would tell him the truth. The phone kept playing EXOs latest hit, and then finally Suho answered:   
“Hyung?” he said, sounding a bit surprised.   
“I watched it”, was all Kris needed to say. He could hear Suho sighing at the other end.   
“Did you watch the end as well?”   
“Yes”, Kris said, and tried to make his voice remain calm. His insides were screaming, telling Suho to hurry up and confirm what he’d heard. Tell him that Kai… but that couldn’t be.   
“He meant it”, said Suho plainly. Obviously he knew why Kris had called.   
Kris remained silent for a moment as Suho’s last answer circled his brain, joined by Kai’s confession from the show. Finally, he felt like he needed to say something, so he said:   
“He loves me?” Then he cursed himself internally. What kind of stupid thing to say was that? _He loves me?_ It sounded like some awful line from a romcom. But Suho didn’t seem to think it was a strange question at all.   
“Yes”, he said. “He loves you very much... In fact we all do, though not in that way of course… But we miss you, and we want you to come home.” Suho was beginning to sound a bit embarrassed now. Clearly this was not a conversation he had looked forward to having. Still he carried on and spoke his mind. Kris had to admire his determination.   
“Thank you for telling me”, Kris said. A few tears had started trickling down his face, and his skin stung with the sudden saltiness. This was all a little too much all at once. Suho was telling him everything he had wanted to hear. And still, did it even make any difference? Could he really go back, knowing what he had done? Could he expect the other members to trust him after all this? Could he live his life so close to Kai without crossing the line again? Especially if Kai loved him back? And could he trust himself to not hurt Kai again? Only one way to find out. But first he needed to call his mom. And shower; he badly needed to shower.

Suho had been right; his mother just wanted to know that he was okay. Telling her that he was, and that he had only needed some extra time to recover from a cold, seemed to calm her down. She told him to take good care of himself, and to make sure to stay healthy. He said he would. She told him that she loved him. He said he loved her too. Then they hung up, and Kris got ready for the huge mountain climb he was about to undertake. He was going to visit the dorm.   
There wouldn’t be anyone there of course; otherwise he wouldn’t have gone. He knew they were all busy with schedules that night, appearing on several variety shows, and being booked for guest appearances and live performances all week. It was part of the promotional launch for their new big tour. With all that going on there was no chance anyone would have time to set foot in the dorm, except for a few hours of comatose sleep later during the night. This early in the evening, the dorm should be empty and abandoned. Perfect. Then Kris could go back and get a feel for the place. He was sure just being back at the scene of the crime would bring back memories. It would let him know how he felt about the whole thing. It would convince him that he wasn’t insane for passing this chance up. It would tell him that going back, no matter how much he wanted to, was still impossible. And so with that aim in mind Kris left the motel.

Entering the building, Kris could already feel his emotions taking over. All the memories in this place; the endless nights of coming home late, sweaty and exhausted but also so incredibly happy and satisfied; all the hopes and dreams that one by one had come true. To Kris this building had always been a place of great inspiration and joy; his own enchanted fairytale castle where no dream was impossible or too grand. Coming here now he realized he had left that feeling behind as soon as he had left the dorm. He used to have such great ambitions that would drive him and make him constantly struggle, working hard to improve himself. Now he had nothing; just a blank page and no clue what to write on it. He didn’t even have any real motivation to try and figure it out. All those things that had been so important to him didn’t really seem to matter much anymore. He wondered if anything mattered at all.   
Coming up the elevator and into the dorm, his mind kept flashing back to what it had been like living here. He remembered many happy moments with the members, many laughs and silly conversations. He remembered how he’d smiled at his silly dongsaengs, their ridiculous schemes and their childish fights. It was impossible to get bored with those guys around, constantly active in the most absurd ways.   
He remembered one time laughing so hard that it had given him muscle aches all through the night. Chen had picked a fight with Xiumin and it hadn’t even really started before Chen was in a pile on the floor. After that Chanyeol and Sehun had insisted on lifting Xiumin up and carrying him around for a victory lap. The problem was that the elevator was too small. First they’d accidentally knocked Xiumin’s head into the ceiling. When they had finally managed to get him up on their shoulders, bending their knees to avoid another collision, they realized they had nowhere to go. Instead they started marching on the spot, bended knees and all. It had looked so ridiculous that before long Kris had collapsed in a heap on the floor, laughing so hard that it actually hurt. With tears pouring out and barely breathing Kris had, with the help of Lay and Baekhyun, finally managed to crawl out of the elevator and into the dorm. It had been the same night they won an award. Which one it had been he couldn’t remember, there had been so many. They had come home from the party still wearing their fancy suits and ties. Once they got into the living room, Suho had met them and wondered why Kris’s suit was so dirty. That had gotten Kris to start laughing again, leaving Suho staring at him with a puzzled expression. All in all it had been a good night, maybe one of the best in his life.   
Entering the dorm now was a very different experience. The quiet emptiness was disturbing somehow. No happy, joking dongsaengs about now, not anymore. Kris thought about what Suho had said about the members wanting him to come back. It would be a dream come true if he could. But would it really be the same? Could it ever be the same? The happiness that existed in the dorm was built on trust and respect between the members. If he collapsed from laughing now, would his dongsaengs dare to help him up? Would they be afraid to touch him, seeing as he was probably a pervert in their eyes? Would the members even dare to joke and laugh in his presence?   
He remembered D.O.s treatment of him in the motel. It had been rough but honest. He had supported Kris, undressed Kris and even bathed him, though the soaping had been left for Kris to tend to himself. Obviously D.O. wasn’t too troubled by Kris. Neither was Suho who had given Kris a hug, a quick one but still a hug. Kris remembered all the smiling faces from the show, telling him to come home soon and giving him heart signs. In the end, maybe the other members weren’t the problem. Maybe the real reason Kris hesitated was something else, someone else.  
Kris reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He opened the folder for pictures and quickly found what he was looking for. There right in front of his eyes Kai was kissing him and smiling. Kris stared at the picture, trying to somehow make it make sense. Why had Kai agreed to kiss him in the first place, when in the beginning he didn’t seem to be into it at all? Why had Kai told him that he liked him and even agreed to date him? Why had Kai decided to let him get his way? Somehow it didn’t make sense. It never had made sense.  
All along Kris had been trying to push it out of his mind, but in the end he couldn’t; it kept crawling back: Kris didn’t trust Kai; he never had. That Kai would like him that way was so absurd that he didn’t know how to start believing it. And the cold way Kai had handled it in the beginning didn’t help to convince him of anything other than the fact that Kai had been manipulated into the whole thing. It had gone from Kai tolerating it and not wanting to hurt Kris’s feelings, to Kai begging Kris to stay even letting Kris hurt him in the process. And the change had come quite fast. Within a few days Kai had gone from showing no interest at all to apparently being in love? How could Kris ever trust any of that to be true?  
He looked at the picture again. The smile in the corner of Kai’s mouth seemed real, and there were happy crinkles around his eyes. He remembered how Kai had looked before taking the picture, obviously concerned that Kris was taking a picture of them together. But he had relented. Kai always relented. How could you trust someone that you knew would always let you have your way if you pushed them hard enough? Kris had told Kai to stand up for himself, but Kai had always been a people pleaser. He wanted to make the people around him happy; that’s why he was so popular. But how could Kris date someone like that? How could he be around someone like that, knowing what he wanted to do to him? It was impossible for Kris to ever trust himself around Kai, because he couldn’t trust Kai to be honest with him. In the end a relationship like that was doomed, whether Kris gave in to it or decided to stay away. It was hopeless.   
Kris had gotten what he came for. He was starting to feel restless staying in this place now that he was sure he wouldn’t be able to go back. Maybe he should just go back to the motel and have some dinner. Or a long nap. A long nap sounded good.  
Suddenly the door to one of the bedrooms opened and a tired-looking and puffy-eyed Kai came out, shuffling his feet and ruffling his own hair on the way to the bathroom. He was wearing full pajamas and didn’t seem to notice Kris at first. Instead he walked over to the bathroom door, got inside and locked the door. Kris just stood there frozen in his tracks, not daring to even breathe. Why was Kai here? What was Kris going to do now? Hurry and run? As soon as the thought entered his mind he started rushing towards the door. But he only managed a few steps before the bathroom door unlocked and Kai peered out into the hallway.   
“Hyung?” he said in confusion and squinted his eyes.   
“No” said Kris automatically. “I’m not here.”   
“Oh!” said Kai and looked disappointed. “That’s right, you’re not. You left didn’t you? I guess I forgot.”   
“I guess you did”, said Kris. He looked at Kai in wonder. Kai had always been a deep sleeper, but this was ridiculous. How could he be this out of it, believing such a terrible lie? A part of Kris was trying very hard not to start giggling, while another part was having a fit of panic. Still Kai was so extremely adorable with that ruffled hair and those tired and confused eyes, not to mention the pajamas. It was hard not to get affected by it all. Kris could feel that familiar warmth spreading through his chest. If he had ever doubted that staying around Kai was a bad idea, this moment was the final proof; the nail in the coffin. There were way too many feelings for Kris to handle. Living like this would be hell. It would be the most exhausting thing ever. It would be paradise. If only he’d be able to come back. He had to leave as fast as possible, before it got even worse.   
“Hyung?” said Kai again, this time with a slightly philosophic look on his face. “Hyung, if you’re not here, does that mean you’re a dream?” Eeeehh… Kris’s insides cringed. Would he have to?   
“Yes”, he said reluctantly. “I’m a dream.”  
“Oh, I guess that makes sense”, said Kai looking slightly relieved. “I’ve had a fever since this morning. I guess that’s why my dream feels so real. Suho insisted that I should stay at home and rest. I guess he was right huh?” Kai had a fever? Somehow that made Kris feel even worse. Wasn’t he even meaner, tricking Kai like this when he was weak and defenselessly naïve? And had anyone been to check up on Kai? Had he been eating and drinking properly and taken his medicines? Kris used to be Kai’s hyung and leader. Now his protective instincts were kicking in.   
“Did you take your medicine? Did you eat?” Kris couldn’t help but ask. Kai smiled.   
“Of course that’s what hyung would say if he was really here”, he said with a sad smile. “He would remind me of the food in the fridge that D.O. left and then he would make sure I drank a lot of water and took my medicine. He would never trust that I did it on my own. Hyung never trusts me.”   
Kris felt his heart drop down into his stomach. How did Kai know?   
“Maybe he’s right not to trust me”, Kai continued. “I was never really honest with him anyway. Maybe if I had been he wouldn’t have had to leave.” He sighed and Kris could hear his own heart beating in his ears now. What was Kai talking about? Would he dare to ask? Did he want to know?   
It didn’t really matter because Kai just kept talking; apparently he was comforted by the idea of Kris as some kind of dream mirage.   
“I lied to hyung, right from the start. I should have told hyung how I really felt”, he said sadly and sighed again. “I shouldn’t have been holding it in. I was such a coward. Hyung, if I told the real you how I felt, do you think you would have stayed with me? I was so scared that if you knew you would run away and I would lose you. But in the end that’s exactly what happened anyway.”   
So Kris had been right. Kai hadn’t liked him. He’d only said those things because he was afraid to lose his hyung. The truth stung like a thousand needles, and yet it was also a relief to finally know the truth. Kris hadn’t been crazy for thinking that way. And he hadn’t been crazy for leaving. Staying there with Kai would have been a huge mistake, for both of them. He couldn’t even imagine the pain he must have put Kai through, having to do all those things to keep his hyung around.   
Tears were beginning to form in Kai’s eyes. He looked quite miserable, standing there with a hunched back, staring into the floor. Kris felt like he just wanted to reach out and comfort him. It didn’t matter that Kai was finally admitting to not having liked him. He didn’t care. He just wanted Kai to feel better. Kai shouldn’t have to suffer just because he didn’t share the same feeling as Kris did. He shouldn’t have to pretend to like Kris just to keep him around. Kai should be able to be honest and open with what he felt. He shouldn’t have to worry about Kris.   
Kai started sobbing and looked up at Kris through dark, wet lashes. This was heartbreaking to watch.   
“Hyung, if I try and hug you now, will you be like a ghost and disappear?”   
“I’m not a ghost, I’m a dream”, Kris said reassuringly. “In dreams things seem real don’t they? You can hug people in a dream can’t you?”   
“Yes”, Kai said and smiled vaguely through his tears. As Kris stretched out his arms, Kai snuggled into his chest and held him so tight that for a second Kris lost his breath. He also lost his balance, and the both of them collapsed onto the floor, Kai still clinging to Kris for dear life. He didn’t seem to care that they had fallen over at all. Kris’s ass and hips hurt from the fall, but he tried not to show it. Who cared about a few bruises? As long as Kai felt better it was a small price to pay.   
Kai snuggled up into his lap and after a few minutes he had stopped sobbing. At first Kris thought Kai was falling asleep, but then Kai started talking again.   
“I wonder what hyung would do if he was really here right now”, he whispered, seemingly more to himself than to Kris. “I wonder if he hates me. I was such a disappointment to him the last time we met. I behaved like a child. I forced him to do things he didn’t want to do.” He paused.   
Kris didn’t know what to say. Everything that was coming out of Kai’s mouth was so strange and backwards. Kai was saying all the things that Kris had been telling himself lately. It was like Kai’s world was a different world altogether, with Kai being the bad guy instead of Kris. Somehow it was a relief to hear it told like that, even if it made no sense. For a moment Kris could pretend like he didn’t need to hate himself, like he wasn’t the worst hyung in the world.   
“D.O. said he had visited hyung and that he was completely broken”, Kai whispered. “Apparently he had been drinking instead of eating. I’m a horrible dongsaeng. I must have broken hyung’s heart. I wish I could tell him I was sorry, but I guess that wouldn’t make much of a difference.”   
Yup, this really was another world altogether. World Bizzaro, like in the comics Kris used to read as a kid; a world where everything was the reverse.   
“I know it was wrong of us to be together like that”, Kai said, now with some irritation in his voice. “I’m not an idiot. I know everyone thinks I am but I’m not. I knew dating was impossible from the beginning. Of course I knew. Although that might make me even more of an idiot.” Kai’s voice had returned to a sad whisper now. “I should have stopped it. If I had just been stronger and told hyung off at the start none of this would have happened. But I was weak and let hyung kiss me; such a dumb thing to do.”   
Finally something they could agree on. It would have been much easier if Kai had honestly rejected him from the start instead of dragging it out. Then again, Kris shouldn’t have put Kai in a position where he felt like he had to pretend to like Kris in order to make Kris happy and make things run smoother within the group. As a hyung Kris should have known better than to even try something with Kai. Even from the start he knew that it was impossible for Kai to like him that way.   
“I wonder if I’ll ever stop loving hyung”, Kai said and snuggled into Kris’s shirt. Kris froze. What had he said? That he loved him? How did that make any sense? Kris’s heart was racing now, butterflies swirling at the top of his chest. What was going on? But Kai didn’t say anything more. Maybe he felt that he had said what he needed to say. Kris didn’t agree. Finally he couldn’t take it anymore.   
“Now you are making hyung a bit confused. Do you really love me?” he said and held his breath waiting for the answer. It came with a clear and focused voice, Kai sitting up to stare into Kris’s eyes:   
“Of course hyung. I love you. Why else would I be this upset?”   
“You mean you love me as a hyung and member, right?” said Kris, trying to keep his voice calm but failing miserably.   
“No, I mean I love you. I really love you. Hyung, why don’t you believe me?” Kai narrowed his eyes slightly, looking at Kris suspiciously. “Are you really a dream?”   
“Yes, of course I am”, Kris said nervously, but his feelings were running all over now, and it was impossible to control his voice or facial expressions. Kai stared at him imploringly. Suddenly he gasped: “Hyung?! Is that really you?! You’re really here aren’t you?!”   
Kris’s poker face was long gone. And who cared anyway. Kai loved him. Loved him! Why?! How?! He didn’t know. It was all too good to be true. This day was getting more and more confusing by the minute.  
Kai threw himself around Kris’s neck and hugged him tighter than ever.   
“Hyung, you’re here!” he cried, holding on to Kris like he would never let him go. “You came back! I didn’t think you’d ever come back!”   
Kris didn’t really know what to do. He was trapped in Kai’s strong arms, his head spinning with all this new information, trying to process it. Kai loved him. It didn’t make sense. And yet there he was, clinging on to Kris like his life depended on it. But then, what had all that stuff he’d mentioned before meant? Hadn’t he said he’d been lying all this time? Hadn’t he said he should have rejected Kris from the start? Kris felt dizzy and sick with confusion. This couldn’t be real.   
Kai kept hugging him for a long time, with Kris quietly stiff and frozen in his arms. Kris could feel the wetness of Kai’s tears as they trickled down his shoulder and back, but he didn’t say anything. He just remained still, hoping that Kai would stop hugging him soon. Kai’s voice from earlier was echoing in his head now: _I knew dating was impossible from the beginning…I should have stopped it._ Kai wished he had been strong enough to reject Kris. He wished none of it would have ever happened. In the end it still didn’t matter what Kai felt in that moment. Nothing had changed. Dating was never going to be an option. And if Kai wasn’t strong enough to end it Kris would have to be.  
Yet with Kai this close, the warmth of his breath and tears against Kris’s shoulder and neck, it was impossible to push him away. Kris didn’t have the heart to reject him properly, at least not in that moment. So he remained frozen and stiff, hoping that Kai would calm down and willingly let him go. And eventually Kai did. As he broke away from the embrace, wiping his tears, he looked down at Kris with sadness in his eyes:   
“Hyung, you’re not staying are you?” he said, voice cracking slightly.   
“No”, Kris said softly.   
“Why?!” Kai said, and now panic seemed to be returning to his face. His voice became high-pitched and desperate. “Why are you leaving me again?”   
“I can’t stay here”, Kris said, a big lump in his throat now. This was the pain of leaving all over again.   
“Why?!” Kai’s voice was cracking again, tears streaming down his face. “Hyung, why don’t you love me anymore?”   
Kris felt like his heart was stopping. He couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. They just started pouring out of his eyes, blurring his vision completely. His shoulders started shaking and his crying became deep, his stomach hurting with every sob.   
Kai was looking down at him in complete shock. “Hyung” he whispered, and put his arm around Kris’s shoulders. “Hyung, what’s going on?”   
Kris just kept crying. He sobbed and cried and felt like his entire insides were coming out; like he was being turned inside out with sadness and pain. Kai leaned close and patted his back, holding him close in a firm, comforting grip. He kept whispering “hyung” into Kris’s ear, and every time he did, it was like another layer of hurt hit the surface. Kris was digging deep, dragging it all out. It was impossible to control it anymore. All of that sickness inside his heart, all the pain and hurt and suffering of the past few weeks; it was all coming up and pouring out.   
When the tears finally stopped pouring Kris was so exhausted he was leaning on Kai, his entire weight balancing on Kai’s shoulder. There was nothing left, but the cramping feeling in the muscles of his stomach and the itchiness of the salt in his face. He closed his eyes, and let himself fall onto Kai’s lap. With his head on Kai’s thighs, he breathed deeply and sighed. Kai started stroking his hair, and he relaxed, feeling empty inside. He had almost fallen asleep when he heard the door crash open.   
“Hyung!” someone shouted, and Kris could hear the sound of many voices and feet hurrying into the dorm. Kris didn’t care, couldn’t deal. He just lay there with his eyes closed and didn’t say a word.   
“We saw his car outside!” someone shouted. “Is he really here?!”   
The feet and voices stopped abruptly, and he could hear Kai shushing them.   
“Is he asleep?” someone whispered.   
“Is he staying?” someone else said.   
“I don’t know”, was all that Kai answered. Then Kris heard Suho’s voice:   
“Let’s give them some space. Let them sort this out themselves”, he whispered, and then the sound of feet shuffling towards the door.   
“Try to make him stay”, Kris could hear someone whisper.   
“We’ll be close by in case you need help convincing him”, someone else said. And then they were gone.   
“Hyung?” Kai whispered carefully. “Hyung, are you awake?”   
Kris realized he would have to wake up and deal eventually. He carefully sat up and opened his eyes. Kai was looking at him curiously. Concern was written all over his face:   
“Hyung, are you okay?” How was he supposed to answer that? His head was spinning in all directions and his throat felt thick and dry.   
“No”, he grunted with a low voice. “No, I’m not okay.”   
“Do you want to tell me about it?” Kai said with a patient and parental voice. Clearly they were back in World Bizzaro. No way to avoid this now though. Too much had been said and done. Better to just man up and be honest and open.   
“I don’t know how to handle this situation”, Kris said. “I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I thought I knew but now I don’t. It’s just all a little too much.”   
Kai seemed to accept this explanation. He nodded encouragingly, and so Kris went on:   
“I wish I could stay, I really do. I love being here, and I love all the members. I love this life. But I also love you, more than any of that. And I want you to be happy. And being here will only make it difficult for the both of us. That’s what I thought. That’s why I left.” If there had been any tears left, they would have started falling again. Kai’s face was in so much pain, he didn’t know how to handle it.   
“Hyung, that was not your decision to make”, Kai said firmly, tears starting to build up in his eyes.   
“But you said it yourself, being together was a mistake”, Kris said. “Dating is impossible. Honestly I don’t know what happened before or how it all happened. But I do know that being around each other, knowing that we can’t be together, that would be torture.”   
“So that’s why you left? Because you thought we couldn’t be together?” Kai said; his voice a mix of anger and surprise.   
“Yes!” Kris said. “I didn’t really know how you felt about me, but I knew that staying was only going to hurt you either way. It was better for everyone if I just left.”   
“Better for everyone?!” Kai shouted. Finally the anger was taking over. “So it was better for me to blame myself?! To think that you didn’t love me anymore?! It was better to make everyone think you had used me?! How do you think that felt for me?! To constantly get asked if I was okay?! If hyung had hurt me?!”   
“I didn’t really think about that”, Kris said, now feeling a bit ashamed.   
“Well, let me tell you how it felt!” Kai shouted. “It felt awful! I doubted myself! Maybe I wasn’t good enough for hyung!” Tears were trickling down Kai’s face now, but he kept shouting, his eyes glistening with anger. “I doubted my own sanity! I started thinking maybe they were right! That it had all been a lie! That hyung hadn’t loved me at all!”   
“Of course I loved you!” Kris cried. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean for you to feel that way. I loved you. I always did. I still do. I just didn’t know if you loved me back.”   
“What do you mean you didn’t know if I loved you back?! In the car?! Wasn’t that proof enough?”   
“Well, yes, I guess it was. It should have been. I just… Before…” Kris trailed off. He didn’t know what to say. He realized he still didn’t quite believe Kai and it made him feel like a jerk.  
Kai seemed to agree. Suddenly he was screaming at the top of his lungs:   
“I LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT! I LOVED YOU FROM THE START! WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN?!”   
Kris stared at him with wide eyes. Had his cute dongsaeng just shouted at him, calling him an idiot? Innocent, defenseless, naïve Kai? That he had worried so much about before?   
Kai also seemed to realize that he had crossed the line. He clasped his hands over his mouth and looked extremely guilty. But something in all of Kai’s shouting had caught Kris’s attention. _I loved you from the start_ , wasn’t that what he had said? Kris stretched out his arms and removed Kai’s hands from his mouth. Kai started speaking, trying to apologize, but Kris cut him off:   
“Loved me from the start? What do you mean, you loved me from the start?” he said, his heart again pounding in his chest. “In the beginning you were always so cold. You never kissed me back.”   
Kai looked flustered now, perhaps embarrassed by the memories of their first kisses.   
“I couldn’t”, he said blushing. “I was afraid hyung was messing with me.”   
“Messing with you?” said Kris astonished.   
“You said it was because of the fever”, Kai pointed out, still blushing.   
“No, you said it was because of the fever”, Kris reminded him. “And then I kissed you again anyway, and you still didn’t kiss me back.”   
“I thought maybe if I did hyung would get scared and run away”, Kai said. “I didn’t know what hyung felt, but if you realized how I felt I was sure it would be bad. Maybe you were just messing with me, or maybe you really liked me. I didn’t know. But I didn’t want to scare you off. And I knew dating wouldn’t be allowed so I didn’t want to encourage you either. Honestly I didn’t really know what to do. But kissing back seemed like it would only lead to trouble.”   
Kris was stunned. Somehow this made sense. In its own twisted way. Except…  
“Then why didn’t you just reject me?” Kris asked. “Pretend like you didn’t like me?” Somehow he knew the answer before Kai said it. A memory of a feeling earlier that evening of not being able to push Kai away, even when he was sure it was the right thing to do.   
“I couldn’t”, said Kai, looking extremely guilty and vulnerable now. “I knew I should but I just couldn’t. I guess I was too weak. I loved hyung too much. I’m sorry.”   
Kris’s heart was overflowing now. Kai loved him. He believed it properly for the first time. He didn’t know how it had all happened, why he was lucky enough to be loved by such an amazing person. That he would probably never understand. But he knew that he was loved. And that he loved Kai back. He couldn’t stop loving him.   
With warmth spreading through his entire body he reached out and grabbed Kai with both arms. Something in his calm movements must have passed on to Kai, because he instantly relaxed, leaning trustingly against Kris body. As Kris pulled Kai close and into a big hug, Kai closed his eyes and sighed. It was like a piece of the puzzle was finally back in place. There they were together again, the way it should be.   
Suddenly the door crashed open and someone ninja rolled over the floor and peered around the corner.   
“It’s okay! They have their clothes on!” Kris could hear Baekhyun saying.   
Many more members started filling up the hallway.   
“Are they kissing?” Chen stuck his head into the room and peered at them with curiosity glistening in his eyes.   
“Leave them alone”, he could hear Suho barking from the hallway, but no one seemed to pay him much attention.   
“Hyung, next time you guys go on a date, do you think I could join?” said Sehun mischievously. “We could double-date.”   
“You know, if it’s a double-date, Kris-hyung won’t pay your food for you”, said Lay smiling.   
“You don’t know that”, said Sehun and gave Lay a push to the side. “I’m glad you’re back hyung!” he added, smiling down at Kris on the floor.   
“I’ll go clean up the room and make your bed”, said Xiumin and started walking over to their old bedroom.   
“No, no, everybody stop! Hold on!” shouted Chanyeol seriously. “This is no time to be joking around. This is not a laughing matter.”   
The rest of the members stopped, and all of them stared up at Chanyeol nervously.   
Suho stepped forward: “Chanyeol is right. This is a very delicate situation.”   
“But hyung is coming back!” said Tao, making big puppy eyes. “We all agreed we wanted him back before.”   
“Yeah, what’s the hold up?” said Baekhyun impatiently. “Didn’t we say that we’d all help them date in secret? Wasn’t that the plan?”   
All the members nodded in agreement. All except Suho and Chanyeol.   
“I know that’s what we agreed on”, said Suho firmly. “But there are other things to take into consideration here.”   
The members started making complaining noises but Chanyeol silenced them all.   
“Suho is right!” he said seriously. “You are all forgotting the most important thing.”   
Everyone seemed tense now as Chanyeol stared over at Kai and Kris with a very serious look on his face.   
“We all know that you guys had sex in Kris’s bed. But where else did you do it? The sofa? The shower? The kitchen? Sehun, take notes! Baekhyun, go get the disinfectants!”   
“I’m on it!” Baekhyun shouted, making a salute and running out into the kitchen. They could hear the clattering noises of him raiding the cleaning cupboard.   
Kris and Kai just sat there on the floor, looking around in astonishment at their members. Now that Chanyeol had made his point clear, everyone seemed to have relaxed and was smiling happily at each other. Everyone except Suho, who sighed, and cleared his throat.   
“That wasn’t really the point I was trying to make, Chanyeol”, he said patiently. “What I meant was, we don’t know what Kris and Kai have decided to do. We don’t even know is Kris is really coming back. Perhaps we should ask them before we make any rash decisions.”   
A loud clinking sound was heard from the door to the kitchen as Baekhyun stormed in, facemask and apron on and a spray can in each hand. He looked around to find everyone staring at him:   
“What?! I’m ready!” he said smiling broadly at them.   
That’s when Kris started laughing. He laughed so hard that his stomach started hurting and he fell over, releasing Kai from his grip. There he lay flat on the floor, shaking uncontrollably, and thinking about how lucky he was. He had always known that his members loved him, but he had never before known how much. The lengths they would go to, to keep him around. Of course he would stay. He had to. There was no real choice to make.   
Still laughing, he managed to push himself up into a sitting position. He looked around at all of their expectant and slightly confused faces.   
“Maybe it would be better for everyone if Kai and I shared a room”, he said, testing the waters.   
“Ah, keeping the contamination to a minimum”, said Sehun nodding. “Smart idea!”   
“I’ll go rearrange the beds”, said Chen happily, and he, Lay and Tao went off.   
“Wait, does that mean I have to room with Xiumin?” said Chanyeol skeptically.   
“Don’t worry. I’ll help you decontaminate your new bed”, said Baekhyun seriously, and ninja-rolled towards Xiumin’s bedroom.   
“You’ll get used to it”, said Suho, patting Chanyeol’s back before going after Baekhyun.   
“It’ll be fun”, said Xiumin. “I can show you my sneakers collection.”   
Sehun leaned over. “You’ll never have to clean your room again”, he whispered, and Chanyeol instantly brightened up.   
“I’m glad you’re back”, Chanyeol said happily, giving Kris a wide smile, and followed Xiumin into his new room, from which loud spraying noises could be heard.   
“Of course you’re back”, said Sehun and winked. “Couldn’t leave such a pretty boy behind now could you?” And then he skipped into the kitchen, giggling to himself, as Kai yelled “Yah!” after him.   
Kris looked over at Kai, who was still staring angrily after Sehun. He smiled; then he grabbed Kai’s cheek and kissed it. The warmth rushed through him, and he could see Kai smiling brightly too.   
“Are you really going to stay?” said Kai shyly.   
“Of course I am”, said Kris. “If you want me to”, he added quickly, now feeling a bit shy himself.   
“Of course I do”, Kai said smiling. “Hyung, from now on I’ll tell you everything that’s on my mind okay? That way you never have to misunderstand or doubt my feelings again.”   
“It’s okay”, said Kris, smiling too. “You shouldn’t have to tell me everything. I’ll try to trust you more. Just tell me the important stuff, okay? Like if you want me to leave.”   
“Hyung, that will never happen”, said Kai with wide eyes.   
Kris laughed at his cute and forceful expression. He couldn’t resist reaching out and ruffling Kai’s hair. Kai’s expression changed and soon he was smiling wide again. And then, as naturally as if he had done it a million times before, Kai leaned forward and kissed Kris. Such a simple thing, yet it was so powerful. For the first time Kai was kissing him; willingly, of his own accord. It sent shivers down Kris’s spine, the warmth spreading through his body again, making him tremble all over. He knew that it was all going to be different now. The rain had come and gone and everything had changed. Kai was kissing him, loving him, and there was no doubt left. He was home, and more importantly, he was loved.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope no one was offended. And I hoped some people liked it. Either way, feel free to comment, and especially if you liked it. As I said, I wrote it just for fun so there will be flaws and that's okay.


End file.
